Considering a career in sales? Ready to climb that corporate latter straight to the top? Well, before you begin decorating your cubicle with inspirational quotes and Workaholics memorabilia, allow me to provide you with five guiding principles for achieving sales success. As an account manager for a large corporation, I’ve compiled a number of important fundamentals imperative for business prosperity. Remember these five golden rules and you’ll be demanding quarterly results from subordinates in no time!
1.) Money Is Everything
Do you like money? Do you love money? Do you want some more of it? If your answer is anything short of, “I’d harvest my own kidneys for more money!” than pack your shit and get the fuck out, because your modest, bohemian, loser mentality is a complete waste of office space! Money is everything. Money is the reason people wake up in the morning. Money is the reason people become lawyers, politicians, entrepreneurs, teachers, prostitutes, Martin Shkreli — hell, money is the reason people become anything at all! In order to succeed in this business — or any business for that matter — money must become the single most important aspect of your everyday life. Donald Trump is your president; Roger Goodell is your commissioner; Alan Greenspan is your celebrity crush; Capitalism is your religion; Atlas Shrugged is your bible; Warren Buffet is your God. If you’re not prepared to make as much money as humanly possible each and every day, even at the cost of abandoning your entire family and creating a hobbit-sized desk hole to live inside, than you’re better off joining a commune or departing the country entirely (don’t let the flag whip you in the ass on the way out — commie bastard). But if your appetite for money is so intense that you develop stress ulcers from the mere thought of not making enough, than sales might just be the right job for you! Establish this kind of winning attitude and your next money selfie will reflect true success (you’re so money and you do know it).
2.) Never Stop Making Sales
An important adage commonly used throughout the business world is “sleep when you dead;” a profound philosophy every salesman should adopt as their morning mantra. If money is everything, than constantly conducting business is an absolute necessity! You cannot make money if you’re not making sales. You cannot make money if you’re not consistently calling, knocking, or harassing potential clients via Facebook (Wait! Why are you on Facebook? Pick up the fucking phone and make a sale for Buffett sake!). You cannot make money if you’re eating lunch everyday, or going home every evening, or sleeping every night. If you want to succeed in this business than never stop selling — sales equals money, and more money equals the happiest life money can buy. If you remember anything from this article, remember this: Never. Ever. Stop. Selling. Now get on that phone and make a sale already! You can sleep when you dead lil’ homie.
3.) Choose Your Words Wisely
I’m sure you’ve heard the proverb “the pen is mightier than the sword” once or twice before. For a salesman, nothing is more powerful than the almighty word. In order to succeed, every salesman should boast a robust repertoire of terminology — and even more importantly, a firm understanding of vocabulary. Just like any successful lawyer or professional swindler, every accomplished salesman should possess a strong comprehension of jargon, because the ability to adequately manipulate your words could be the difference between making a sale and standing trial before a grand jury. Just like any skilled hunter or shifty politician, every salesman should always use a variety of diverse tactics to confuse their prey, and the subtle replacement of one word for another could be enough to lure that elusive target into a stern trap or extensive contract. Remember to always maintain a strong sense of ethics when conducting business, allowing a careful choice of words to keep your agreements legally binding.
4.) Take Time To Relish Success
Any business worth its weight in gold should provide a public forum for acknowledging the many achievements of successful salesmen. This mandatory assembly should allow superiors and subordinates alike to offer congratulations for a job well done. It should also serve as a platform of public humiliation in order to separate the winners from the soon-to-be unemployed. Take time to relish success. Enjoy the spotlight of a winner compared to the shame of a loser. Cherish every raucous applause and jubilant roar echoed throughout the office. Treasure the overwhelming support provided from peers. Remember the pathetic salesman who couldn’t sell a pen even if his life depended on it (that guy is now homeless). Remember the humiliation endured by that stupid bastard. Remember the satisfaction received from being labeled a “winner”. Appreciate and savor success, as the recognition will help promote increased motivation, higher self-esteem, and above all, humility.
5.) Engage In Healthy Competition
Engaging in healthy competition amongst peers will increase productivity and office morale. Nothing is more motivating than a cordial contest between friends — challenging co-workers to strive for greatness while stimulating your own lust for success. Don’t be afraid to occasionally boast accomplishments and periodically tease associates, mimicking the common banter shared between friends. Often remind co-workers of the true alpha salesman, consistently reestablishing the fact that “they ain’t shit” and “they suck dick” whenever the opportunity arises (i.e. always). A lighthearted razzing will inspire cohorts to be better salesman, administering ridiculing remarks such as “you’re a pathetic piece of shit” and “you’ll be lucky to supply your family a happy Christmas after this miserable effort.” Mild mockery and healthy competition will boost personal drive towards unrivaled excellence, create a family atmosphere, and motivate peers to parallel your greatness.
Sports provide fans with a variety of varying excitement. Whether it’s the melodrama of an athlete’s personal transgressions, or simply the game itself, athletics consistently present spectators with a smorgasbord of fascination and intrigue.
One aspect of sports fandom especially enthralling is the hypothetical scenario (i.e. a theoretical premise only possible within a parallel universe). I’m sure every fan has indulged in some form of hypothetical debate at least once in their lives; whether with friends, strangers at a bar, or even morons on the internet — arguing emphatically with a computer screen in retaliation to something somebody senselessly stated (Michael Jordan would absolutely own Kobe Bryant one-on-one, by the way).
One hypothetical scenario quickly becoming a fan favorite is the “greatest starting five ever” debate. It’s a simple premise: Pick five players throughout NBA history — specific or non-specific to position — and compose the greatest starting five of all-time. Of course, this could never come to fruition, for obvious reasons, but it’s still an amusing argument between commercial breaks.
I’ve had this discussion numerous times before, always concluding with the following lineup: PG Magic Johnson, SG Michael Jordan, SF Larry Bird, PF Tim Duncan, C Bill Russell. That sounds like a damn good lineup, and a team many people would respect. But I have never examined said lineup with sharp statistical analysis; only utilizing the knowledge simply swimming within my head. So I have decided to do just that, and continue to open a large can of worms in no way possible to observe, purely subjective, and an argument fire-starter that elicits a passionate debate between combatants with no right or wrong answer.
To provide some context into my evaluation process, selections will be decided position-by-position. Meaning, a starting five cannot consist entirely of one position (e.g. five power forwards, five point guards, etc). The team must consist of a player representing each standard position, and someone who predominately — or at least substantially — played that position throughout their career (modern basketball tends to sometimes disregard or stray away from this classic model, but by selecting players according to specific position, the model becomes not just best starting five ever, but bestplayer at their position ever, which adds to the fun).
Each category will have five initial nominees (players that I have predetermined for consideration), and from that five one starter and one reserve will be selected. Since an NBA roster is generally comprised of 12 players, two additional reserves regardless of position — selected strictly on the basis of talent, merit, success, and personal preference — will also be chosen. As an additional bonus, an honorary head coach and assistant head coach will also be added to the team.
With that said, and without further ado, let the debating commence!
Point Guard (PG)
Nominees:
Magic Johnson; John Stockton; Oscar Robertson; Isiah Thomas; Bob Cousy
Honorable Mentions:
Jason Kidd; Steve Nash; Gary Payton; Walt Frazier; Nate Archibald
Prior Selection:
Magic Johnson
Analysis:
Point guard is arguably the most valuable position in the game of basketball. Assuming the role of floor general, the point guard is typically responsible for driving the ball down court, establishing tempo, signaling play calls, and providing teammates with exceptional passes in optimum scoring position. The ideal point guard is quick, intelligent, savvy, tenacious, perceptive, and proficient. The appointed nominees are often regarded as the premier players at their respective position — but only one can be crowned the best of the best.
Earvin “Magic” Johnson: Not only was Magic Johnson a sensational passer, but he was also an exceptional scorer, and one of the most versatile athletes to ever play the position. In fact, during Game 6 of the 1980 NBA Finals, Johnson played not only guard, but all five positions due to significant injuries afflicting the team (let that sink in for a moment). At 6′ 9″ and 220 pounds, Johnson possessed the physical attributes and abilities necessary to play a variety of different positions; especially phenomenal considering the bruising physicality of the era. Johnson led the league in assist four times, steals twice, and averaged nearly 20 points per game throughout his stellar career. He is also fifth all-time in assist, a remarkable feat for a man his size.
John Stockton: Stockton wasn’t just remarkable at his position — he exemplified the standard. If the prime objective of the point guard position is to readily recognize available options and distribute the ball to teammates in premium position to score, than nobody was ever better than Stockton. He lead the league in assists nine seasons in a row, rivaling fellow greats competing during the same time-frame (e.g. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Gary Payton, Jason Kidd, Kevin Johnson, etc). Never a particularly great scorer — averaging only 13.1 points throughout his career — he was still a high-percentage shooter, and played his position exquisitely. Stockton is still currently the league leader in assists, above the second closest player, Jason Kidd, by nearly 1,000 assists. It doesn’t get much better than that folks.
Oscar “The Big O” Robertson: “The Big O” wasn’t just versatile, but damn near unstoppable. If audiences are currently impressed by the total number of triple-doubles amassed by Oklahoma City Thunder star Russell Westbrook this season, than consider this: Robertson averaged a triple-double for two entire seasons, only marginally failing to complete the feat three additional seasons by mere fractions of statistical points. Not only could he pass (he led the league in assist seven times), but at a relatively paltry 6′ 5″, he averaged double-digits in rebounding during three separate seasons, and averaged near or above 30 points throughout his first eight campaigns. As a point guard that could rebound, score, and pass, “The Big O” was a true anomaly.
Isiah Thomas: A perpetual All-Star nearly his entire 13 year career (12 out of 13 seasons), Thomas is considered by many as one of the fiercest and toughest competitors to ever streak the hardwood. Standing at a modest 6′ 1′ and weighing a meager 180 pounds, Thomas wasn’t exactly the heftiest man, but that didn’t stop him and his teammates from establishing a bruising and physical brand of basketball that earned the Pistons of the late 80s the moniker “Bad Boys” of the league. An exceptional scorer and passer, Thomas was the “little tough guy that could” long before Allen Iverson emerged, and is still highly considered one of the greatest at his position.
Bob Cousy: “Cousy the Doozy” (a nickname I totally made up) is considered one of the first elite point guards in early league history. Nicknamed the “Houdini of the Hardwood” (an actual nickname) for his exceptional control and ball handling skills, Cousy won 6 NBA titles throughout his career as member of the illustrious Boston Celtics. A formidable scorer and notable passer — consistently averaging around 20 points per game and leading the league in assists eight consecutive seasons — Cousy swiftly set the standard for the point guard position, as well as establishing himself as a bona-fide legend in the process.
Decision:
A tough decision, indeed, but lets be honest: It was always going to be Magic. Although Stockton’s passing prowess is virtually unmatched, alongside his extraordinary court vision, he simply didn’t have the physical characteristics necessary to parallel Johnson’s versatility. Stockton would have been an undeniable selection had his passing abilities been decisively better than Johnson’s, but Magic was a phenomenal passer himself, and a more prolific scorer. Oscar Robertson certainly has the stats, and was arguably the most versatile and complete player the league has ever seen, but he played during an era with limited and condensed talent, allowing stats to be padded, sometimes by significant margins. Isiah was tough, gritty, and undeniably talented, but Johnson displayed a size and skill set that succeeded more than deflated, throughout a career that largely coincided with Thomas. Bob Cousy may have set the standard, but those standards have been considerably elevated since then. Cousy led the league is assists several times, but none of those averages surpassed double-digits, and his career field-goal percentage was modest at best. Magic Johnson, simply put, was the whole package, and an athlete who could not only play in the modern era, but dominate as well.
Starter: Magic Johnson
Reserve: John Stockton and Oscar Robertson (too tough to call)
Michael Jordan; Kobe Bryant; Jerry West; Clyde Drexler; Allen Iverson
Honorable Mentions:
Reggie Miller; Earl Monroe; Georg Gervin; Pete Maravich; Dwayne Wade
Prior Selection:
Michael Jordan
Analysis:
There’s no reason to exhaustively evaluate this position, considering the obvious decision. But for the sake of providing empirical evidence and overwhelming proof, lets evaluate the greatest shooting guard ever (i.e. Michael Jordan) in correlation to his closest “comparison,” (i.e. Kobe Bryant); hopefully providing some significant insight into the paramount career that was “Air” Jordan.
Offense: Kobe Bryant entered the league as an energetic, electrifying, and prolific scorer, averaging a modest 19.9 points per game concluding his third season in the league (his first two years were less than stellar, but promising). By season four, Bryant had extended that average, scoring 22.5 points a game (his second season as a full-time starter). What did Jordan average his third season in the league? Try 28.2 points per game — his rookie season. What did Jordan average his fourth year, around the time Kobe had finally begun averaging 22.5 points per game? Try 35 points per game, leading the league in points throughout the next six consecutive seasons! Kobe didn’t average 30 points per game until his seventh stint in the league; in contrast, Jordan averaged 37.1 points per game by year three, and would continue to average above 30 points consistently over the next seven seasons.
Kobe has recently surpassed Jordan on the NBA all-time scoring list, currently boasting nearly 200 points more than his heir apparent. Although Jordan retired frequently, and played well past his prime, he only played 15 seasons, which sounds like a lot, but when compared to Bryant’s 19 years in the league, it’s modest at best. Not only did Bryant enter the league straight from high school, but he needed an additional four seasons to surpass his idol on the scoring charts, rendering his impressive feat — in comparison to Jordan — less than extraordinary.
Defense: “The Defensive Player of the Year Award” is typically bestowed upon a league “Big Man;” commonly a center or power forward who consistently racks-up defensive stats (i.e. rebounds, blocks, etc). But that didn’t stop Jordan from stealing the award during the 87-88′ season, his first year as league MVP. Jordan lead the NBA in steals three separate seasons, accumulating enough steals to rank him third all-time in the category (only John Stockton and Jason Kidd have more). Not only has Bryant never won Defensive Player of the Year, but he has never lead the league in a single defensive category, although considered a phenomenal defensive player.
Overall: Michael Jordan is a five-time league MVP, as well as a six-time Finals MVP. Kobe Bryant has only one league MVP attributed to his resume, which he acquired after his 12th year in the league (Jordan won the award after his fourth season). Out of Bryant’s five league championships, he was only awarded Finals MVP twice, as the three previous awards were granted to teammate Shaquille O’Neal. Jordan averaged 6.2 rebounds, 5.3 assists, 2.3 steals, and 30.1 points throughout his career. Bryant currently maintains career averages of 5.3 rebounds, 4.8 assists, 1.5 steals, and 25.4 points per game.
Decision:
Obviously, it isn’t as much a contemplation as it is a complete and utter annihilation. Michael Jordan possessed every characteristic, ability, and intangible necessary for epic greatness, and has the accolades to prove it. In no other category is the competition so overwhelmingly lopsided, and by comparing the nearly unanimously regarded top two shooting guards in league history — and examining the superior results — it’s not hard to ascertain who is the clear-cut selection at the position.
Starter: Michael Jordan
Reserve: Kobe Bryant (because even a cheap imitation is still a viable option)
Small Forward (SF)
Nominees:
Larry Bird; Julius Erving; Elgin Baylor; Scottie Pippen; LeBron James
Honorable Mentions:
Dominique Wilkins; Rick Barry; James Worthy; John Havlicek
Prior Selection:
Larry Bird
Analysis:
Small forward is typically considered the most versatile position in basketball, as athletes at the position typically range in size, can score in a variety of numerous ways, and typically rebound admirably. Small forwards are commonly distinguished sharpshooters, and provide teams with scorers from beyond the arc. Essentially a “jack of all trades,” the small forward possess multiple intangibles valuable to a teams success. The appointed nominees are often regarded as the premier players at their respective position — but only one can be crowned the best of the best.
Larry “Legend” Bird: “The Hick From French Lick” did more with less than virtually anyone else in league history. Sure, he was tall (6′ 9″), and carried considerable girth (220 pounds), but Larry “Legend” was never considered exceptionally athletic, and could even be described as gangly and gawky. But what Bird didn’t posses in physical ability, he more than made up with refined skill, fundamentals, hustle, and an unparalleled competitive desire. For starters, he could shoot, and shoot effectively. Bird averaged above 50 percent in field-goal percentage throughout five various seasons, and boast a respectable .496 lifetime shooting average. His three-point percentage wasn’t consistently stellar, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t set the rim on fire from beyond the arc. Bird also lead the league in free-throw percentage four separate seasons, and scored nearly 25 points per game lifetime.
Bird exemplified the small forward prototype; a regular “renaissance man” on the court. Larry “Legend” averaged double-digits in rebounds his first six seasons, with a career average of 10 boards per game. His rebounding prowess even excelled that of teammate Kevin McHale, who is an NBA Hall-of-Fame power forward! Bird was also an above-average passer, with the ability to make timely steals with his unrivaled hustle and work ethic (see Bird’s late game steal concluding the 87′ Conference Finals for reference). If that wasn’t enough — just to add icing to the cake — Bird was also a renowned trash-talker, deflating his opponent’s psyche well before tip-off, and establishing a mental advantage with every swoosh through the nylon. Larry Legend consistently defied all logic, and made hicks everywhere look good (a difficult feat to accomplish).
Julius “Dr. J” Erving: Before there was Dominique “The Human Highlight Reel” Wilkins and Michael “Air” Jordan, there was Julius “Dr. J” Erving, the original king of the slam dunk. A three-time ABA MVP and 81′ NBA MVP, Erving electrified and captivated audiences, teammates, and rivals for nearly two decades. His leaping ability is well-documented and highly revered, inspiring athletes such as Michael Jordan into imitating his iconic baseline dunk from the free-throw line. Erving lead the ABA in scoring on three separate occasions, and is currently fifth all-time on the NBA scoring list. He is considered one of the most, if not the most, creative, inventive, and incendiary scorers in league history, with an afro too legit to quit.
Elgin Baylor: Considered by many as the greatest 6′ 5″ rebounder in league history, Baylor is another legend who epitomized the position. He played before steals, blocks, and three-pointers were a statistic, but in regards to categories already recorded, he was nothing short of sensational. With his limited size, Baylor still managed to average over 13 rebounds throughout his career, and nearly averaged 20 boards per game two separate seasons. He was also a suitable passer, averaging near or above five assist per game six different years. Baylor maintained 27.4 points per game throughout his career, and is regarded as one of the 50 greatest players of all-time.
Scottie Pippen: Often considered the Robin to Michael Jordan’s Batman, the Chicago Bulls almost certainly never win six NBA championships without Scottie Pippen. An exceptional defender and reliable scorer, Pippen played his role to perfection. As a seven-time All-Star, perpetual first-team All-Defense selection, and dependable starter — leading the league in games played three separate seasons (tied) — Pippen was a utility man with all the tools necessary to compete for greatness.
LeBron James: Although his career is far from finished, the accomplishments and accolades LeBron James has already accrued could cement him as one of the greatest players ever, even if he retired today. At 6′ 8″ and 240 pounds, “King” James is truly a freak of nature, with physical abilities possibly never seen previously before. At the tender age of 30, James has already earned league MVP honors four times, NBA All-Star honors 11 times, and NBA Finals MVP twice. If he resigned today, his career stat line of 7.1 rebounds, 6.9 assists, and 27.4 points per game would be considered simply astonishing. James should continue to play at a superior level for several years to come, but without any further seasons, he may still be one of the 10 best players to ever grace the court.
Decision:
Although Pippen, Baylor, and Erving were certainly great, this position was always destined to be decided between legends and kings. Pippen was phenomenal, but hardly a franchise centerpiece. Baylor has the stats, but it’s no surprise a man listed at 6′ 5″ was able to become such a dominant rebounder (i.e. slim talent, soft competition, etc.), and he never won a championship to boot. Erving was prolific, but his best years came and went with the ABA, as once he entered the NBA his point totals and rebound averages dropped dramatically.
Bird and James are the premier choices at the position, but at the end of the day only one can be crowned the best, and that honor goes to Larry “Legend”. Jame’s career is still unfolding, and his mental wherewithal and playoff inconsistency make him a step below Bird. Not only did Bird win three NBA titles during a decade consisting of two incredibly gifted heavyweight teams (i.e. the Pistons and Lakers) — both of which he had to frequently battle and defeat — but he also played during an era of heightened physicality and toughness. James has displayed an uncomfortable disposition when defending the post and playing a physical brand of basketball, prompting former All-Star Tracy McGrady to state “[Before] you had men. You played with men. Now it’s a bunch of boys,” in regards to a statement by Dennis Rodman suggesting James would be an “average player” in another era (because of the physicality). James, or more accurately his teams, have been notably lackluster in the Finals. He is currently 2-3 in championship series, and would be 1-4 if not for a last-second buzzer-beater by Ray Allen against the Spurs in 2013.
One-on-one LeBron James conceivably dismantles Bird, but when talking about a collective team, Larry Bird is hands-down the best, and one of the best team players ever.
Starter: Larry Bird
Reserve: LeBron James
Second Reserve: Scottie Pippen (his defense, teamwork, and role awareness is paramount to team success)
Tim Duncan; Karl Malone; Sir Charles Barkley; Kevin Garnett; Kevin McHale
Honorable Mentions:
Elvin Hayes; Dirk Nowitzki; Dennis Rodman; Bob Pettit; Dave DeBusschere
Prior Selection:
Tim Duncan
Analysis:
Power forwards, like centers, are typically lane enforcers but with more finesse. They gobble rebounds and play the post, relying on footwork and fundamentals to score. The prototypical power forward possesses a variety of skills, akin to the small forward, but ordinarily use their girth and large frame to succeed underneath the basket as opposed to further away. The appointed nominees are often regarded as the premier players at their respective position — but only one can be crowned the best of the best.
Tim Duncan: What really needs to be said about “Timmy” Duncan? He’s won five NBA championships (including three in three different decades), he’s a two-time NBA MVP, a 15 time All-Star, and has registered career stats of 11 rebounds, 3 assists, 2.2 blocks, and 19.5 points per game. His longevity is indicative of his superior fundamentals, conditioning, and work ethic. Still active, the Spurs continue to be relevant and competitive nearly two decades after drafting the big man. If you want a role model and a consignment professional, look no further than Tim Duncan.
Karl Malone: He never won a championship, but then again, not many players did during the 90s — besides the Bulls of course. Nevertheless, Karl Malone still managed to cultivate a sensational career, ranking second all-time in points scored, and averaging 10.1 rebounds and 25 points throughout his career. Nicknamed “The Mailman” because of his phenomenal scoring ability, Malone delivered every night and twice on Sunday, averaging near or above 25 points per game for 15 straight seasons. He never won a scoring title, but he should have won many, if it wasn’t for that damn Jordan! Not only is he one of the 50 greatest players of all-time, but he’s arguably one of the ten greatest to ever play the game, regardless of position.
Sir Charles Barkley: Before he was everyone’s favorite crazy uncle on “Inside the NBA,” Charles Barkley was everyone’s favorite crazy cousin on the court, and an insanely great player at that. Only listed as 6′ 6″ — no taller than the average guard — Barkley is arguably the greatest height-for-height rebounder in league history. He only lead the league in total rebounds once (with an incredible 14.6 average), but he lead the NBA in offensive rebounds three times, an impressive and important stat teams appreciate. He finished his career averaging 11.7 rebounds and 22.1 points per game, and would have certainly won a championship if it wasn’t for that damn Jordan!
Kevin Garnett: KG was always more finesse than fundamental, but when he was at his best there was nobody better. Averaging double-digits in rebounds nine consecutive seasons — leading the league in boards four times — Garnett could do it all, as he was even a proficient passer, shot-blocker, and stealer (remarkable for his position). His stats have declined over the past several seasons, but considering he has played nearly 20 straight years, his longevity is a marvel in itself.
Kevin McHale: Playing alongside the legendary Larry Bird, Kevin McHale may be the best low-post scorer to ever play the position. He had finesses and refined fundamentals, making him a nightmare match-up problem for most teams to defend. McHale lead the league in field-goal percentage twice — with a career .554 average — and consistently averaged near or above 20 points per game lifetime; he was also an adequate free-throw shooter, not common for players at his position. Fundamentally sound and with a remarkable basketball IQ, Kevin McHale will always be the first Hall-of-Fame Kevin to play at the Boston Garden, and arguably the best.
Decision:
Barkley was great, and in a different era — with slightly more height — possibly the best, but his lack of accolades and championships are his ultimate objection. McHale was a prolific scorer and consignment teammate, but his rebounding was less than stellar. Garnett during his prime was the best ever, but his fundamentals pale in comparison to Duncan, who happens to be a position above KG on both all-time points and rebounds, and ten slots above Garnett in blocks.
Karl Malone provides a compelling case with his impressive credentials: Second all-time in points scored, sixth in rebounds, and tenth all-time in steals — all stats considerably higher than Duncan’s. I wanted to give Duncan the undisputed affirmation considering his supreme fundamentals — possessing a polished skill-set allowing him to continue playing exceptionally well late into his twilight. But at age 38 — the same age Duncan is now — Malone still averaged 22.4 points and nine rebounds per game, in comparison to Duncan’s current totals of 13.9 points and nine boards per game.
Many people will cite Duncan’s success, accolades, and championships as reason to bump him above “The Mailman,” but I can’t fault Malone for never winning a ring, considering he played during an era where a plethora of notable names never won — all because of that damn Jordan (e.g. John Stockton, Reggie Miller, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, etc)! Duncan also benefited from playing in the modern era, where the average big man has slimmed down, become less physical, and forgotten the prestige of the post. Duncan also benefits from a coach that limits his minutes of play, allowing him to have fresh legs late in the season, and thus increasing his longevity. When Malone was 38 he still averaged 38 minutes per game, opposed to Duncan’s 28.9 minutes per contest.
But with that said, the definitive decision must be Tim Duncan, as his defense raises him a mere step above Malone. In eighteen seasons, “Timmy” has been selected to the NBA All-Defensive committee 14 times; an overwhelming accomplishment that vastly overshadows Malone’s four selections. Duncan is also a superior rebounder and shot-blocker in comparison to “The Mailman;” distinguishable traits that cannot be taken for granted.
Karl Malone poses a convincing edge over Tim Duncan offensively, but it is the astounding defensive separation that makes this difficult decision a swat in the park.
Starter: Tim Duncan
Reserve: Karl Malone
Center (C)
Nominees:
Hakeem Olajuwon; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar; Bill Russell; Wilt Chamberlain; Moses Malone
Honorable Mentions:
George Mikan; Shaquille O’Neal; David Robinson; Patrick Ewing; Willis Reed; Robert Parish; Bill Walton
Prior Selection:
Bill Russell
Analysis:
Center is arguably the most domineering position in basketball. With sheer power, strength, and force, the above-average center possesses the ability to overwhelm opponents, while expanding opportunities for teammates alongside the perimeter. The center also assumes the role of lane enforcer, forcing opponents to execute difficult shots and blocking them as well. The appointed nominees are often regarded as the premier players at their respective position — but only one can be crowned the best of the best.
Hakeem Olajuwon: Nicknamed “The Dream” for a reason, Olajuwon possessed an array of remarkable skills that made him a vision to witness and a nightmare to defend. Gifted with nimble feet and considerable size, Olajuwon had the unique versatility to play like a “little guy” offensively but like a “big man” defensively. Take a moment to absorb these career statistics: Tenth all-time in points, thirteenth in rebounds, eight in steals (the second closest center in this category is far down the ladder at 42), and first in blocked shots. Nearly a the top ten performer in every quintessential category, Olajuwon played both ends of the court, and was awarded defensive MVP twice as well as NBA All-Defensive team nine times. “The Dream” was a fantasy come to life, and arguably the most gifted center in league history.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Many people regard Michael Jordan as the greatest NBA player of all-time — including myself — but it becomes increasingly difficult to justify that opinion when you examine the legacy of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. As a six-time league MVP (the most ever), six-time NBA champion, and all-time league leader in points scored, it’s hard to argue against the dominance and ability of Kareem. “The Big Fella” lead the league in points three times, rebounds twice — averaging above 16 rebounds per game four separate seasons — and blocks four distinct seasons. He is a 19 time All-Star, and among being the league leader in points, he is also currently third in both rebounds and blocks. If Jordan is the greatest, than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar isn’t far behind.
Bill Russell: If not considered the greatest, Bill Russell is certainly the winningest. In his 12 year career, Russell won 11 championships — you read that correctly: 11 championships. Known more for his defensive prowess than his offensive abilities, Russell lead the league in rebounds four separate seasons, with a career average of 22.5 rebounds per game. If your head hasn’t exploded quite yet, wrap your brain around this: Russell’s lowest rebounding average throughout his illustrious career was a whopping 18.6, proving that even at his worst he was still a class above the best. Russell played well before blocks were an official statistic, but many “experts” still consider him to be one of the most prolific shot-blockers to ever play the game. “The man. The myth. The legend” begins and ends with Bill Russell.
Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain: If Bill Russell didn’t blow your mind, prepare to have your head shattered after reviewing Wilt Chamberlain’s career. If stats never lie, than behold the truth: A seven-time scoring champ, eleven-time rebound leader, and lead the league nine times in field-goal efficiency. Throughout his lifetime “The Stilt” averaged 22.9 rebounds and 30.1 points per game, cultivating a career double-double average that will never be eclipsed. Chamberlain currently ranks fifth all-time in points, and first all-time in rebounds, succeeding second place (i.e. Bill Russell) by more than 2,000 boards. “The Stilt” was a remarkable freak that would have made even Barnum & Bailey proud.
Moses Malone: With a name like Moses, this big man was destined to become a legend of the hardwood. Malone quickly established his presence underneath the basket, garnering the nickname “Chairman of the Boards” in regards to his exceptional rebounding dexterity. Malone lead the league in rebounds five separate seasons; an exceptional accomplishment considering the era and increased competition. His career average of 12.3 boards per game helped him secure fifth all-time in the distinguished category — cementing his legendary status everlasting. A three-time NBA MVP, Malone also boast an admirable 20.3 lifetime average in points scored, which is just another incredible accomplishment attributed to his resume.
Decision:
Hands-down the toughest position to choose from considering the immense talent, as the selection for best center comes with thorough reflection.
Nothing against Bill Russell or Wilt Chamberlain, but their mind-boggling stats can easily be ascribed to the era, inflating their inventory to astronomical margins and unfathomable feats that could not be accomplished in future decades. Moses Malone could be considered the greatest ever considering his dominance, accomplishments, and accolades; that is, if Olajuwon and Kareem never existed.
A heavy-weight bout between two esteemed, revered, and accomplished athletes, my decision comes with great contemplation, ultimately selecting “The Dream” as my all-time starter.
Obviously, a great case could be made for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar — which has been chronicled above — but no big man possessed more variety and versatility within their skill-set than Olajuwon. Abdul-Jabbar mastered the “sky hook,” but Olajuwon mastered the “Dream Shake,” which has been translated and utilized at numerous positions, and taught to players such as Kobe Bryant (SG), LeBron James (SF), and Dwight Howard (C), just to name a few.
Olajuwon’s nimble feet yet large frame made him an absolute nightmare to guard — an anomaly never more potent or obvious than in 95′ Western Conference Finals against Reigning MVP David Robinson. As starting center for the San Antonio Spurs, Robinson had secured league MVP honors that year, and was prepared for a supreme match-up against Olajuwon, ultimately proving too much for “The Admirable”. Olajuwon wasted no time making Robinson look foolish, averaging 35.3 points per game, 12.3 rebounds, 4.2 blocks, and five assists throughout the bout, subsequently winning the series in six games. But Robinson wasn’t the only esteemed center to fall victim to Olajuwon’s prowess, as “The Dream” dismantled various league big men in an era of great centers, which included Patrick Ewing, Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning, and Dikembe Mutumbo, just to name a few.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was no slouch on the defensive end either, but it is Olajuwon’s vast skill-set that lands him atop my list.
Starter: Hakeem Olajuwon
Reserve: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Added Bonus: Coach
Head Coach: Phil Jackson
Assistant Head Coach: Gregg Popovich
Agree with this? Disagree? Make your opinion known in the comments below — and let the debating begin!
Every former athlete hopes to avoid one debilitating nightmare: Becoming a physical education instructor. That nightmare becomes reality for Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) — star of the former HBO series Eastbound and Down — long after his days of “burning ass are over”.
Known for its vulgar language and morbid sense of humor, this short series is “more than a pair of tits and legs,” showcasing the hollow existence of an athlete forgotten, and a competitor desperately clinging onto the past.
The first episode begins with Kenny Powers striking out the final at-bat during game seven of the World Series. As a rookie closer for Atlanta, Powers shoots to super-stardom after his clutch performance, coining the phrase “You’re fucking out, I’m fucking in”. His achievement is followed by a short montage, illustrating his crude behavior, various vices, and inevitable downfall.
After “several shitty years later,” Powers finds himself where it all began, in his hometown of Shelby, North Carolina, applying to become a substitute teacher. Chapter one (i.e. episode one) focuses on the denial of an athlete who once had it all, and the life of a man now reduced to shame. Of course Powers cannot handle the realization that his playing days might be over, as he desperately tries to convince himself and others that he still has what it takes to compete at the professional level.
Powers eventually becomes the physical education instructor at his old middle school — where he was once revered — colliding head-on with his past. There he is reacquainted with his high school sweetheart, April (Katy Mixon), whom he deserted quickly after going pro. He soon finds out that April is engaged to school principal Terrence Cutler (Andrew Daly): A condescending antagonist who subtly and sarcastically reminds Powers of his prior failures and current circumstance.
In chapter two, Powers meets Ashley Schaeffer (Will Ferrell), the owner of a BMW dealership arrogantly entitled “Schaeffer BMW”. Powers believes Schaeffer admires him and sincerely desires his sponsorship as a spokesperson for the dealership; but in reality, Schaeffer is a sadistic psychopath who constantly condescends and embarrasses Powers for his own morbid enjoyment.
During one encounter in particular, Schaeffer shrewdly forces Powers under a microscope, demanding that he oblige a fans request to receive a pitch during a “celebrity” signing. Powers reluctantly agrees, but eventually becomes incredibly overwhelmed by crippling anxiety, due to exposing his now defunct not-so-rocket arm. In this moment, Powers is forced to face the reality of the present, and possibly come to terms with the past. But in typical Kenny Power’s style, instead of coming to terms with anything, he declines the fans request, punches said fan in the face, and abandons the celebrity signing. And in typical Ashley Schaeffer fashion, the perverted dealership proprietor joyously waves goodbye to Powers along with other spectators, screaming aloud, “Go fuck yourself Kenny Powers!” in a delighted tone.
For the most part, characters in the show either ignore (mostly ignore), condescend, or laugh at Power’s expense; that is, except for one loyal subject: Stevie Janowski (Steve Little). The band teacher at the same middle school Powers is employed, Janowski borders on the line between adoration and infatuation in regards to his former peer, who he mistakenly perceives as some sort of god through quasi-homosexual rose-colored glasses.
Understandably — although never officially stated — Janowski is mentally challenged, exhibiting similar characteristics of a man dealing with acute retardation. Powers ungraciously relishes the newfound admiration, disregarding the fact that the only person showering him with praise is a misguided admirer who may or may not be retarded. He quickly takes advantage of his only supporter, manipulating and exploiting Janowski every chance he gets (for example, at one point in the series, Powers even decides to “let go” of Janowski, explaining that if they continued to be friends he would only abuse their relationship further, which was a battle he decided he couldn’t win).
Eventually, after a dinner party at Cutler’s house, Powers becomes so overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame — literally finding himself face down in cake after an awkward exchange with April (i.e. prematurely ejaculating in his pants) and being berated by an inebriated Cutler — he decides to abandon his comeback to baseball, as his looking-glass self collides with perception and reality.
It would seem as if the egomaniacal Powers had finally come to terms with his professional afterlife, deciding to accept his full-time position as an instructor, with “no hopes and dreams” and “just waiting to die like everyone else”. But this stark epiphany would only become a fleeting realization, as his small support system of friends and family foolishly propel Powers into regaining his prominence and accepting a challenge presented by professional archnemesis Reg Mackworthy (Craig Robinson).
Mackworthy, a former baseball player responsible for officially ending Power’s professional career, teams up with Schaffer in an attempt to continue their perpetual mental assault against Powers. The dubious twosome challenge Powers to a duel between pitcher and hitter, which the former big league closer initially declines, but after his brother questions his fortitude, he adamantly accepts.
During the climax of season one, a large crowd forms at Schaffer BMW, as the two enemies engage in an intense face-off. Initially, Powers begins poorly, as his command and arm strength prove to be less than formidable. But after April makes a surprise appearance, Powers suddenly regains his confidence — and his pitch — subsequently hitting Mackworthy in the eyeball, officially ending the bout.
Afterwards, Powers decides to continue his quest of becoming a big league pitcher again, at the cost of any humility or self-awareness; quickly forgetting any life lessons he may have learned, and reverting back to the arrogant, delusional asshole he was always born to be.
Eastbound and Down, no matter how crude or vain, is a sincere psychological examination of an athlete’s life after baseball, and the distinct plight they sometimes fail to overcome. Underneath the profane tirades and low-brow comedy is a series that exhibits incredible depth, chronicling the unique dilemma that afflicts many former athletes — especially professionals — after the glory days are over.
Retirement can be a difficult transition for many former athletes, especially for men who have cultivated substantial egos over an entire career. A personality once showered with praise may no longer be readily recognized in public; a body that was once a well-oiled machine may no longer perform at a superior level; immense media interest and intrigue may no longer exist, as a once highly revered professional is forced to slowly fade into irrelevancy. It is a somber reality that every athlete must eventually endure, and it can be an especially excruciating ordeal for former gods who abruptly become mortal again.
Eastbound and Down studies the most extreme of circumstances with the most outrageous of characters, depicting the fragile psyche of a man who cannot let go of the past, and ultimately come to terms with the present. The series slowly peels the layers of a character exhibiting unabashed confidence on the outside, but frailty and weakness on the inside. A show that examines the human condition — and in doing so makes a distinct story and character relatable to anyone who watches it — Eastbound and Down is an uproarious dark comedy that is more than meets the eye.
The Raisin Review is sponsored by Adidas and their affiliates.
Yesterday evening the Detroit Lions (11-5) squared off against the Dallas Cowboys (12-4) in a conference playoff battle. The contest presented an intriguing matchup, as both teams came equipped with explosive offenses capable of racking-up points in bunches.
Unfortunately, the excitement of the game wasn’t the only interesting storyline between said organizations, but also the revival of “America’s Team” (i.e. the Cowboys) in action against the NFL’s dirtiest team (i.e. the Lions) — or, in other words, “America’s Most Wanted”.
The last two years have been tumultuous for the NFL, enduring enough scandal and public embarrassment to make even a Kardashian blush. From a hazing incident that spurred a full-blown investigation into the Miami Dolphin’s locker room, to Adrian Peterson becoming indicted by a grand jury on charges of child endangerment, the iron shield is in dire need of a facelift — or at least a good buffing.
2014 is shaping up to be the NFL’s most raucous season to date, and it seems as if the Lions have taken it upon themselves to make sure the year ends in infamy.
If the league had an “All-Dirty” team — similar to the All-Pro team — than the Lions would have representatives on both sides of the ball; and not just representatives, but team captains!
Introducing Dominic Raiola: At 6′ 1″ and weighing in at 310 pounds, this perpetual meat-head has become a habitual sleazeball during his tenure, and has garnered the utmost disrespect from his peers (it’s no surprise here that he and Richie Incognito are both Nebraska alums).
Roughly a month ago, during the Lions final game against division rival Chicago Bears, Raiola “unintentionally” stomped on the right ankle of defensive tackle Ego Ferguson.
The blatant attack resulted in no injury to Ferguson; only making Raiola look like a moron with no sense of the term “nationally televised game”.
Not to be outdone by his peer, Lions’ defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh also has a laundry list of dubious behavior, with his latest “incidental” incident occurring only a mere several days after Raiola’s river dance (also, again, no surprise Suh is also a Nebraska alum).
During the Lions’ final game of the season against division rival Green Bay Packers, another well-documented, clearly visible — yet totally accidental — ankle stomp was attempted (I don’t know what it is with these guys and ankles, but maybe if they got rid of their cankles they wouldn’t be so angry — but I digress). In the video below, you can clearly see Suh step on the ankle of Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers multiple times before casually walking away.
Now, I will agree that the Suh incident borders closer on the line between intentional and accidental than the Raiola occurrence, but it’s Suh’s defense that makes that case conclusive in my opinion.
Suh claims that his feet were “numb and cold” and that he could not feel the difference between the ground and another man’s leg. Understandable, but could he also not feel Rodgers firmly shoving him either? And if said incident was “unintentional,” why wouldn’t he have turned around to apologize and help Rodgers up?
When most human beings accidentally step on another person, typically a swift emotional response occurs quickly thereafter, with the “stepper” expressing a visible appearance of shock and remorse. Suh conveys none of this, and just simply walks away like a man attempting to get away with something.
Inevitably, and hypocritically I might add, both men won their appeal, and were able to lift their suspension in order to play in the Lions’ lone playoff game of the season (somewhere Adrian Peterson is shaking his head in disbelief).
After the Cowboys’ come-from-behind victory last night, winning the ballgame 20-24, it is unclear whether Suh or Raoila will be returning to the team next year, as many experts believe it was the tandems final game in a Detroit uniform.
Their separation and departure from the team may be for the best, like two disruptive students who must sit in seats away from each other during class. One thing is for sure, Detroit needs to clean up its act, and possibly stay away from any Nebraska players in the future.
The Raisin Review is sponsored by Adidas and their affiliates.
It can be a challenging task — even for the most gifted writers — to take a trite storyline and develop something truly unique. “The Affair” quickly acknowledges this dilemma, interweaving a meta-commentary within its narrative.
The showrunners make their own predicament the plight of the series protagonist: Soon-to-be one-hit wonder and struggling author Noah Solloway (Dominic West), whose creativity and zeal for life has become vapid due in-part to the monotony of his cookie-cutter lifestyle.
Early in the series, Solloway is forced to promote his current novel to a potential publisher, who finds the author’s “new” narrative as banal as he does. But Solloway eventually captures the publisher’s interest — spontaneously implementing a dark twist to his love affair storyline, and concluding the book with the protagonist killing his mistress.
“The Affair” gives originality a valiant effort, but ultimately can’t keep from drowning in the folly of its own ludicrous endeavors.
The series is essentially composed of two parts, recalling moments and events from the respective perspectives of the two leading protagonists (i.e. the people having the affair). Utilizing a framing device, the central characters discuss the past occurrences leading up to a murder investigation, expounding upon their affair with an overzealous lead investigator vehemently striving to solve an unsolved case.
Every hour long episode dedicates half of the shows’ time frame to each counterpart’s viewpoint; giving both characters an equal opportunity to tell their own story while basically retelling the same. This dichotomy helps to create an intriguing juxtaposition between characters, highlighting nuances and subtle differences throughout each individual’s recollection.
The separate divisions of storytelling is an engrossing masterstroke that assists characterization, develops themes, and keeps the mysteries that lie underneath the bounty of deceit afloat. It also helps to divide the characters, who essentially commit adultery for varying reasons, exhibit distinct differences, and who have contrasting experiences.
The season concludes with Noah and Alison (Ruth Wilson) deciding to start a new life together — leaving their old lives, families, and values behind — but not before cops interrupt their love nest and arrest Noah on the suspicion of murder.
The finale cliffhanger is nothing short of comical, as the entire murder scenario seems unnecessary and forced. Obviously, the showrunners needed a way to propel their story forward and implement their vision of a double narrative from the perspective of their two main characters — but was this the most appropriate frame they could think of?
A series that began as an honest examination of human frailty and relationship strife, seems to have manifested itself into a whodunit farce that would make every executive at CBS proud. A murder mystery that was once a small focus of season one, appears to be the main focus of season two, rendering the title of the program meaningless and pointless.
Everyone knows the winning formula to a successful television series means combining sex, drugs, and violence (which “The Affair” is more than content to oblige), but in an effort to be innovative and original, the show fails to rise to another plateau, and ultimately becomes just another caricature in the melodrama canon.
The Raisin Review is sponsored by Adidas and their affiliates.
As many are well aware, Sony Pictures has decided to withdraw the national release of The Interview. Due to an increasingly large array of complications (terrorist threats, hacking, notable movie theaters across the country refusing to show the film, etc.), the corporate powerhouse has decided to postpone the release date indefinitely.
Many celebrities and prominent figures have publicly expressed dismay with the company’s decision, suggesting that Sony’s apprehension to premiere the film encompasses greater implications; most notably, censorship and submission to terrorism.
This has caused a firestorm across social media, with many pondering what this means for future films, expression, and free speech. But America has always complied to some form of censorship — to some extent — even before the Sony debacle.
It wasn’t that long ago that South Park — the irreverent and salacious television show known for satirizing anything and everything — was forced to censor a depiction of Muhammad due to extensive death threats. Television and film has always upheld an unwritten agreement in regards to the Islamic prophet, fearing violent consequences and subsequent terrorism. But if America is concerned so deeply about the ramifications of not showing The Interview, shouldn’t we be discussing past censorship that we’ve continued to abide by?
The argument to show The Interview is justifiable, but we must also fight for expression and freedom on all fronts, otherwise America will always succumb to terrorism, even if a juvenile stoner-action comedy is permitted to be seen.
Disclaimer: Based on a true story, the following series examines and depicts the daily annoyances, absurdities, and irritations experienced by Sam — a short-tempered man begrudgingly responsible for monitoring and caring for our nation’s mentally disabled. Although the individuals he cares for are not solely responsible for his exasperation, one character in-particular — adequately described as Wonder Boy — has become a constant thorn in his side. This is the story of their relationship, among other things.
I’m sure you’ve heard it before, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” The same could also be said for the ridiculousness that sometimes afflicts man, as one man’s folly has often been my amusing pleasure (there’s a reason why George Costanza continues to make me laugh).
This, naturally, brings us to Sam, whose real name shall be concealed; that is, until a few people on Facebook connect the dots and expose the mysterious truth. Sam is a friend of mine, among many other friends of mine who work for the same company — suddenly compelling me to halt mid-sentence and ponder why I have so many friends that dabble in the same line of work — and who are employed to monitor the daily lives of the mentally disabled. His duties include, but are not limited to: Cooking, cleaning, taking clients to dances, birthday parties, work, etc. For the most part, Sam’s job is pretty tame, spending most of his time either channel surfing or making gallons of tea to momentarily subdue his client’s unquenchable thirst. But there are still a myriad of moments where hilarity ensues, inevitably bringing us to Wonder Boy.
Wonder Boy is a sweet young man, with earnest intentions. But even the most honest intentions can sometimes be the most irritating. Whether its constantly touching others with his clammy hands, being awaken by a cricket and subsequently staying up the entire night from midnight till dawn, or persistently inquiring about tea and how to make it, Wonder Boy cannot help but sometimes get under Sam’s skin.
For example, while at work today I received a text message from Sam. He contacted me to tell me about his day at work. He proceeded to tell me about how he was forced to take Wonder Boy to work, because apparently Wonder Boy has his own job (essentially, Sam is at work to watch Wonder Boy work, which normally results in Sam doing all of Wonder Boy’s work for him, basically rendering the entire job useless. Nevertheless, it’s Sam’s job to take Wonder Boy to his job, and do his job for him which is his job. Make Sense?).
Anyway, Sam quickly informs me that he didn’t want to take Wonder Boy to work, so much so that he bribed Wonder Boy with two dollars to pretend to be ill. Wonder Boy agrees, because Lipton is on sale today, making two dollars a small fortune. After adequate enough time to perfect his best queasy face, Sam believes Wonder Boy is ready to fool the superiors — the people who ultimately decide whether Sam does actual work or can continue playing Madden all afternoon.
Upon arrival to speak with the superiors (who really aren’t all that superior, but we’ll get to that in another chapter), Wonder Boy becomes stricken by fear, and decides he cannot perform the task. Unfortunately, Sam is forced to take Wonder Boy to work, to his chagrin. But this doesn’t stop Wonder Boy from further inquiring about the two dollars, constantly “whispering” to Sam about his Lipton bucks. As you can see, this opened up a large can of worms for Sam, who not only must take Wonder Boy to work, but must also endure the constant pestering of two dollars for the unforeseeable future.
I don’t know why but this story had me in tears — of laughter of course. Maybe because I know Sam personally; maybe because I know Wonder Boy personally; or perhaps for all of the above. But after a month of hearing these random incidences, I became compelled to write about it. This is just a little taste of The Terribly Irritating and Unfortunate Adventures of Sam and Wonder Boy, but rest assured, there is more to come.
It’s highly unlikely anyone has ever experienced a more tumultuous case of deja vu than Ray Rice. After a horrendous off-season that resulted in a suspension and public damnation, the former Baltimore Raven was slowly putting his troubles behind him, and inching his way closer to redemption.
That is, until TMZ became further involved.
From the same people who brought you the Solange Knowles and Jay-Z fiasco (an incident that also took place in an elevator), brings you the inside footage of what distinctly took place between Rice and current wife, Janay Palmer, during an altercation in a hotel elevator. The video clearly shows Rice assaulting his wife, providing indisputable evidence of previously known facts – or so I assumed.
After flip-flopping more than John Kerry over what to eat for dinner, commissioner Roger Goodell substantially increased Rice’s suspension from two games to indefinitely after the incriminating video footage surfaced Monday morning. Not only did Goodell suspend Rice indefinitely, but the Baltimore Ravens also terminated his contract only hours after the videos release.
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel as if I’m missing something. Didn’t the Baltimore Ravens know all off-season long that Rice had brutally attacked his then fiance, now current wife? Wasn’t this the same organization that vigorously attested to Rice’s “integrity” and “good nature”? Isn’t this the same commissioner that reviewed the case “thoroughly” and deemed his former decision to suspend Rice two games “appropriate”? So what’s the difference now? What is known now that wasn’t known before?
The video is certainly hard to watch, but for anyone to describe it as “shocking” must not have been following this case very closely. The facts of the incident have been well documented in excessive and blatant detail, and anybody with eyes and a brain knew exactly what took place in that elevator, with or without further footage.
But I guess in an era when society is more accustomed to visual learning, seeing is believing. And the media – in all of their despicable glory – has been quick to provide the visuals for all to see. Rice certainly deserves punishment, but the media and the NFL are habitual hypocrites that proceed according to greed as opposed to justice.
For instance, ESPN in all of their infinite wisdom, decided to provide Ray Lewis with a platform (i.e. a soapbox) on Monday Night Countdown for which to lambaste his old teammate. Lewis is quoted as saying, “I’m disappointed. This is personal for me” in regards to Rice’s latest transgressions. To add a little context as to why this is ridiculously hilarious in the most absurd way possible, Lewis was charged as an accomplice in connection to the murder of Richard Lollar in 2000. Lewis was later acquitted, but did plead guilty to obstruction of justice, a misdemeanor. But as the saying goes, “no video, no problem” (that’s a saying now, right?).
Of course, Lewis would inevitably sustain a long and celebrated career, which ultimately ended with a Superbowl victory and a cushy new gig as an “analyst” on ESPN; thus, granting him the opportunity to repeatedly berate and criticize other athletes who were once in his shoes. Now, himself as well as other fellow “analyst” such as Jerry Rice (who was once found by police in a brothel; a married man and father of three children) and Deion Sanders (who just last year assaulted a teacher and an employee at his charter school, on school grounds) can give there expert opinions on the matter.
To make matters worse – or better if you’re apart of the media – Rice’s wife, Janay, recently took to Instagram to plead for her husbands forgiveness, as well as scorn the media by saying, “No one knows the pain that the media… has caused my family”. In the message she is also quoted as saying “To take something away from the man I love… just to gain ratings is horrific”. (Just to clarify, the initial incident took place in February; shortly after the incident, Janay would marry Rice, and what we have now is a firestorm frenzy created by the media).
But, sadly for Janay, her pleas won’t stop the constant experience of re-living a “horrible nightmare” until the story becomes banal to viewers, and subsequently, the media.
The NFL isn’t void of any criticism themselves. There’s the obvious criticisms and complaints: Why didn’t Goodell review the tape that was allegedly sent to him months ago? Why didn’t the Ravens view said tape, themselves? Why wasn’t Rice’s suspension larger from the beginning? But my criticism and complaint stems from the root of all evil: Greed.
Obviously, Goodell didn’t perceive the issue to be as pertinent as it’s become, considering the culture and numerous domestic cases throughout the NFL (Carolina Panther’s defensive end Greg Hardy was recently convicted of assaulting his girlfriend, and is even expected to be available for this Sunday’s game). A man who has been described as one to rule the NFL with an “iron fist” and who stood by his decision to suspend Rice only two games, is currently having a bigger meltdown than FDR during Pearl Harbor.
First, he suspended Rice two games. Next, he drastically overhauled the NFL’s policy in regards to domestic violence by implementing a six game suspension for first-time assailants, and deciding second-time offenders are banished from the league for an entire year. Finally, in the wake of the TMZ video, Goodell completely dismissed his newly appointed policy and suspended Rice entirely.
But why would a man take such drastic measures after publicly defending his decision; especially after remarking that the new policy wouldn’t be enforced in haste? And why completely disregard the new policy and suspend Rice indefinitely? Goodell allegedly received the new tape months ago, and was told by Rice himself what happened. So what gives?
Well, without seeing any tape of Goodell incriminating himself, I’d assume female viewership is at stake (i.e. money). Goodell does operate a business after all – a multibillion dollar business at that – and for the sake of saving face, and money in his pocket, he had to act directly in support of public outcry (Have you ever wondered why, in what universe, Beyonce and Bruno Mars would ever perform at any NFL halftime show?).
In conclusion, to sum everything up: Shame on Ray Rice, shame on the NFL, and shame on the media for constantly perpetuating problems, even at the cost of hurting someone you claim to be defending (i.e. Janay Palmer-Rice).
Beats by Dre better hope nobody remembers the time the rap mogul assaulted Dee Barnes, or there’s another lucrative deal out the window (oops!).
– Landon Taylor Horstman writes for The Raisin Review and he supports this message.
Alex Smith (11) exhibiting jubilant emotion after a successful 2013 campaign.
This year the Kansas City Chiefs look to capitalize on a tremendous 2013 campaign that resulted in a respectable 11-5 record and a playoff appearance. But with a plethora of offensive and defensive changes, do the Chiefs progress or regress in 2014? Lets analyze and evaluate the current team position-by-position.
Quarterback: A-
The Chiefs posses one of the strongest quarterback cores in the NFL, giving them an arsenal that is more than capable of leading a potential contender. Alex Smith is fresh off his most productive and consistent season as a starter, ending the year with his first Pro Bowl appearance and maintaining one of the best records in the NFL (31-11-1 as a starter since 2011). Granted, he has played opposite two of the most ferocious and talented defenses of the last half-decade (the 49ers and Chiefs, respectively), while also playing alongside two of the most prolific and successful running backs in that same time-frame (Frank Gore and Jamaal Charles, respectively), but Smith proved last year that he is more than a “game manager” after throwing for nearly 3,500 yards and 23 touchdowns. This year he looks to add to those numbers, becoming more acquainted with Andy Reid’s playbook and developing a better repertoire with former All-Pro receiver Dwayne Bowe.
Chase Daniel reclaims his spot as the team’s second in command, showcasing sensational ability and knowledge, as was displayed in last seasons regular season finale after him and a rag-tag group of second stringers almost dismantled a Chargers team vying for a playoff birth. He has been solid in his first two pre-season appearances thus far, and looks poised to replace Smith if needed. The Chiefs also snagged a late-round steal with former Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray, and with the right developmental team behind him, he could prove to be a viable third option.
Running Back: A+
Is there any doubt that this team possess the best running back core in the NFL? If there is, you’re not paying attention. Jamaal Charles continued his Hall-of-Fame caliber career last year without a hitch, amassing nearly 2,000 yards from the line of scrimmage and adding 19 total touchdowns to his impressive resume. If it wasn’t for Peyton Manning, he would have cruised towards a league MVP. Kniles Davis adds the complimentary “bash” to Charles’ “slash,” forming arguably the leagues most formidable duo.
Oregon rookie De’Anthony Thomas replaces the dearly departed Dexter McCluster, and as of this pre-season, appears to be a rejuvenated upgrade. Thomas has exhibited world class speed, and will provide the Chiefs with a dangerous weapon in multiple positions. Last but not least, Chiefs fullback Anthony Sherman is a proven superstar, possessing some of the best hands of any fullback in the entire league.
This core could be extremely dangerous, adding depth at receiver as well as the running back position.
Wide Receiver: C
The Chiefs wide receiving core needs improvement, but the potential is great. Dwayne Bowe is about as inconsistent as they come in the NFL, but he has proven to be a superior option in the past (he did have 15 touchdowns with Matt Cassel in 2010). If Smith and Bowe can continue the chemistry they had in the playoffs last year (8 receptions, 150 yards and one touchdown), than Bowe could very well return to Pro Bowl form.
The Chiefs also acquired CFL superstar Weston Dressler this off-season – an explosive slot receiver with impeccable hands. But the verdict is still out on his immediate impact, as he continues to learn the offense as well as the subtle nuances of the NFL. The rest of the wide receiving core leaves the team with more to be desired, and they must solidify a respectable second option, especially if Bowe continues to become his own biggest hurdle.
The Chiefs do have a young core of receivers, as well as the potential reemergence of Dwayne Bowe, but they must produce, or they will surely limit the teams explosiveness as well as Andy Reid’s creativity.
Tight End: B
The Chiefs suddenly find themselves in a very fortunate position, possessing an increasingly dangerous core of tight ends. Sophomore Travis Kelce has rebounded nicely from an injury plagued rookie campaign, displaying rare speed and agility for a man his size. Like Dressler, the verdict is still out on his immediate impact, but the sky seems to be the limit for Kelce, who has the potential to be a Jimmy Graham-esque playmaker at a pivotal position.
The Chiefs also own as-of-now starter Anthony Fasano: A sure-handed veteran who provides leadership as well as blocking. Injuries ultimately crippled a blossoming tight end core last season, but Sean McGrath filled in admirably, giving the team a viable third option should the injury bug strike again.
Offensive Line: C
If there is one weakness on the team more glaring than the rest, it’s the offensive line. The Chiefs lost multiple starters on the offensive line due to free agency, including Pro Bowler Branden Albert. The loses could prove to be overwhelming, but there is still high optimism.
Eric Fisher anchors a line in serious rebuilding mode, but with his rare combination of size and speed, the line could be in much better shape if he rises to the occasion. Center Rodney Hudson looks more capable than the season before, and rookie guard Zach Fulton has received abundant acclaim and high regard since the beginning of training camp.
The offensive line may very well get off to a slow start, but don’t disregard a group that has the potential to be a solid unit by seasons end.
Defensive Line: A-
Anchored by All-Pro nose tackle Dontari Poe, this unit has proven to be a dominant force from within, and a group to be reckoned with. Poe earned All-Pro honors last year after recording five sacks and establishing himself as one of the best nose tackles in the league.
The Chiefs did lose former starting defensive end Tyson Jackson this past off-season due to free agency, but the organization quickly replaced him with defensive tackle Vance Walker, who provides an instant upgrade in the pass-rush department. Mike DeVito returns as the teams starting right end, and keep an eye out for sophomore defensive end Mike Catapano as the season progresses, as he could prove to be a more agile, quicker version of DeVito.
Linebacker: A+
In the entire NFL, only the 49ers could possibly rival the Chiefs for the title of best linebacking core in the league, if only for the fact that their entire starting four has been sent to the Pro Bowl, whereas our unit only sent a measly three linebackers to Hawaii last year.
The best outside pass-rush tandem in the NFL? Check. A superior All-Pro middle linebacker? Check. An explosive and versatile unit that claimed fame to the name “Pass-Rush City”? Yezzir.
Tamba Hali, Justin Houston, and Derrick Johnson – enough said. And if that somehow wasn’t enough said, I could also add first-round draft pick Dee Ford to the mix, who will certainly receive his fair share of sacks and hurries this season.
Secondary: C
This group could rival the offensive line for most glaring weakness on the team, but unlike the line, this unit still retained Pro Bowl caliber talent.
Eric Berry anchors a secondary that received a major blow with the lose of Branden Flowers, the teams only Pro Bowl corner. But with Berry’s exceptional versatility at the safety position – possessing the ability to rush the passer as well as stop the run – things could be worse.
Like Bowe, starting corner Sean Smith has the potential to be an outstanding player in this league, but he must get out of his own way or the team will surely suffer. Sophomore cornerback Marcus Cooper showed flashes of brilliance last season, as well as flashes of incompetence, but his ceiling is high, and he could very well become a strong defender.
Free safety Husain Abdullah became a bright spot in last years miserable post-season collapse to the Colts, and he could provide much needed coverage as well as phenomenal instinct.
Special Teams: A
If special-teams is the proverbial “cherry on top” to a good football team, then the Chiefs might have a big enough cherry to feed a small village. Coordinator Dave Toub is a proven special-teams guru, but its not hard to look smart when your unit is loaded from top to bottom.
De’Anthony Thomas has already shown flashes of brilliance as a punt returner this pre-season, and with Kniles Davis returning kicks as well – he, along with two other teammates returned kicks for touchdowns last season – this return team could be special once again.
Punter Dustin Colquitt is a former Pro Bowler, and as a left footed punter, he gives opposing receivers fits with the trajectory and spiral of his balls. Kicker Ryan Succop has been inconsistent at times, but he did complete a respectable season last year, connecting on 22 of 28 field goals and making all of his extra point attempts.
Coaching: A-
Andy Reid has done wonders with the offense, especially in regards to the calculated and methodical way he has eased Alex Smith into the game plan. It’s no surprise Alex Smith had his best season last year, statistically, as well as Jamaal Charles evolving into the league’s most prolific multi-threat. Dave Toub is a profound special-teams coordinator (Did I mention THREE different players returned kicks for touchdowns last year? That’s not just McCluster folks), and Doug Pederson has done a phenomenal job following Andy Reid’s lead.
Defensive coordinator Bob Sutton displayed flashes of ingenuity and competence early last season with his play-calling. But as the season progressed, it didn’t take long to understand why the league’s most dominating defense suddenly couldn’t sack the quarterback if their lives depended on it. I believe Sutton can be a good defensive coordinator in this league, but he must become more creative and mix up his blitz packages – especially on the inside, which I have been happy to see this pre-season – because if his play-calling becomes as stagnant and transparent as last seasons, then this team will be playing from behind an awful lot.
Conclusion:
All in all, I believe this team has the potential to be even better than last season, even if their record takes a small dip. With a plethora of talented rookies and sophomores hopefully completing their first full season this year, the Chiefs could be stacked once again, after a season where a league record 11 players were invited to the Pro Bowl.
Obviously wide receiver and offensive line are glaring holes of weakness, but as stated before, if Smith and Bowe continue to trust each other, the Chiefs could very well see their starting receiver return to prominence. De’Anthony Thomas provides help out of the slot, and “Mr. Everything” Jamaal Charles should continue to provide opponents with headaches from the backfield. If Kelce’s phenomenal pre-season performance translates into the regular season, then the Chiefs combination of receiving running backs and tight ends will certainly soften the blow of a weak wide receiver unit.
Offensive line could prove to be the teams greatest downfall, as Smith has a tendency to hold onto the ball too long as is, but with the potential of the league’s youngest starting line being high, all fans can do is wait and see. Good news is, Jamaal Charles doesn’t need a good line to be a beast, and Smith is one of the more mobile quarterbacks in the NFL.
Defensive line and linebacker are stacked, and the addition of Vance Walker and Dee Ford should provide the team with an even greater pass-rush. The secondary is in obvious turmoil, but if the pass-rush takes off, don’t be surprised to see the secondary reap the benefits. Eric Berry and Sean Smith should provide a weak secondary with some stability, but the units success relies squarely on the shoulders on Marcus Cooper and Husain Abdullah, who have the potential to be solid starters but could possibly be duds.
Rest assured Andy Reid will continue last years late-season success with the offense – granted the offensive line plays well – but Bob Sutton must prove he is a capable coordinator, or the defense may repeat last years late-season collapse.
Prediction:
After calculating the grades I have given each position, the team’s total GPA comes to a 3.2 or a “B” average. With that said, I predict the team will finish the season with a 10-6 overall record, and march towards the playoffs as a wild card. I understand the Chiefs have a much harder schedule this season, but practice makes perfect, and with the team going into their second season under the helm of Andy Reid, while also keeping intact most of their premiere players and adding a variety of exciting new playmakers, I believe this team could be even better than last season.
I hope you saved a firework for the day after the 4th, America, because Seinfeld turned 25.
That’s right, the legendary sitcom commemorated its 25th anniversary a few weeks ago (July 5th), becoming a quarter-century old. As an avid fan of the celebrated sitcom – and a quarter-century old myself – I pondered a way I could honor the show. A la TBS, I decided, “What better way to celebrate Seinfeld’s birthday, than to compile a list of the 25 greatest episodes from the show’s extraordinary repertoire?” (real original, right?)
With that said, in an attempt to give the greatest television series in television history a proper tribute, I have carefully handpicked the memorable episodes that have made the sitcom an everlasting gem; ordering them accordingly.
Obviously, picking Seinfeld episodes in order from best to worst was no easy task (e.g. as you can see, I’m publishing this article after the anniversary), but with careful consideration, I believe I have completed the daunting assignment.
Readers should be aware that episodes were selected in regards to a number of different factors, including: Plot, memorability, quotability, character dynamic, George’s role – yada yada. But most importantly, episodes were selected in regards to how well Ireceived them.
In other words, I didn’t set out to construct a carbon copy of the other Seinfeld lists that dangle within internet limbo; I set out to compose myown catalog of episodes that will eventually linger within internet limbo – in an order that I agree with.
So, without further ado, in honor of the sitcom that continues to provide me with laughs and something suitable to watch, here are Seinfeld’s 25 Greatest Episodes, as dictated by me.
25.) The Engagement (Season 7)
For a show about nothing, Seinfeld often provided something in regards to relationship strife – albeit in a comical, exaggerated, and neurotic fashion – and no better episode exemplified Seinfeld’s sensibilities about monogamy than “The Engagement”. Sure, a suitable case could be made for a number of different episodes at the 25 spot (e.g. “The Junior Mint,” “The Parking Garage,” etc.), but “The Engagement” remains a personal favorite, if only for George Costanza’s extended foibles with the opposite sex.
In this episode, George reunites with ex-girlfriend Susan Ross (Heidi Swedberg), subsequently developing a sequel to their prior failed relationship. Eventually, George and Seinfeld agree on a “marriage pact,” deciding that they will both propose to their respective girlfriends (because, you know, that’s the rational, mature thing to do). Of course, Seinfeld reneges on the pact, deciding not to propose to his current girlfriend, and leaving George in the unfortunate position of commitment; causing far-too-honest hilarity to ensue.
“The Engagement” does a wonderful job highlighting the minor issues that stem from relationships (i.e. from a male perspective), and who better to add levity and humor to the constant tribulations of monogamy than the neurotic George Costanza? Also, it’s just funny watching George react to his constant follies, with his ill-advised engagement to Susan arguably his greatest mistake in the series.
Video Note: The entire clip is humorous, but it’s not until the 4:00 mark, when George and Susan are lying in bed together watching “Mad About You,” that makes this episode a personal favorite. The look of discontent on George’s face (i.e. “what did I just get myself into?”), in contrast to the delightful look on Susan’s face, makes this episode one that always brings a smile to my face.
24.) The Stranded (Season 6)
“The Stranded” could be considered a little lopsided (exhibiting a better first half than second half); nonetheless, its still a personal favorite, and one of Seinfeld’s most memorable.
In this episode, Seinfeld and Elaine accompany George to a house party. During their stay, Jerry and Elaine become stranded after George leaves the party early in order to have sex with one of his co-workers. One notable “thing” or “idea” spawned from this episode that makes it particularly memorable is the “head pat” (i.e. Seinfeld and Elaine’s escape signal). For instance, whenever one is trapped within a terrible conversation, they “pat their head,” signaling to the other that they are indeed trapped and need immediate help (i.e. being pulled aside or taken away). My brother and I have tried this technique countless times before, at various parties, and it works as a safety rope as well as a wonderful inside joke.
“The Stranded” not only makes me laugh every time I watch it, but it gave me a wonderful defense mechanism in case of unwanted conversation, and that alone is worthy of the 24 spot.
Video Note: This video displays the famous “head pat,” a valuable resource for whenever life may take you astray – as long as it takes you with a friend.
23.) The Abstinence (Season 8)
It’s no secret that George is my favorite character – the entire fearsome foursome is great, but George is the creme de la creme – which makes “The Abstinence” a shoo-in to make my list. In this episode, George must remain abstinent until his current girlfriend recovers from mono; in comparison, Elaine must also re-frame from sex until her boyfriend passes his medical exams. “The Abstinence” creates a hilarious dichotomy between the similar situations of Elaine and George (that is, without sex, George becomes smarter, and Elaine becomes, well, dumb). The episode also develops an interesting philosophy about the absence of sex and its contrasting effects for men and women, using the famous “garbage truck” analogy.
The entire episode is solid, eventually resulting in George’s diminished intelligence, or becoming “dumb” again after having sex with a Portuguese waitress – because, after calculating the math, he realized that his chances of ever having sex with a Portuguese waitress were very slim, and that it would be an error of judgement not to.
Video Note: In this clip, Seinfeld discusses the differences abstinence has on men in comparison to women, in a way only Seinfeld could explain it.
22.) The Merv Griffin Show (Season 9)
Seinfeld and the gang are often known to be comical lunatics, but “The Merv Griffin Show” takes that lunacy to brand new heights.
In this episode, Kramer finds the set of “The Merv Griffin Show” in a dumpster; naturally, Kramer extracts the set and proceeds to place it within his apartment, developing his own late-night talk show. Now, every time a “guest” appears (i.e. Seinfeld, George, and Elaine) in Kramer’s apartment, they must discuss their daily affairs as if they were on a talk show.
Also in this episode, Seinfeld’s “lady friend of the week” turns out to be an avid toy collector, inheriting dozens of mint conditioned toys from her father. Seinfeld becomes so obsessed with her toys that he goes as far as drugging her with sleeping medicine, anticipating that after she falls asleep, he can then play with them (it should be noted that his girlfriend will not allow him to play with her toys, causing the psychotic obsession and subsequent actions). If this wasn’t wacky enough, Elaine and George join in on the fun, drugging the unsuspecting victim a couple more times – because the nostalgia you feel after eating twenty-year-old easy baked muffins is worth the crime.
In conclusion, Seinfeld’s girlfriend finally discovers his constant ruse on, no other than, “The Cosmo Kramer Show,” after Kramer decides to add a little scandal to his program (a la Maury). The entire episode is hilarious, especially in regards to the childish nature of the group, and the extreme lengths they will go through to become children again, if only for a few short moments – or at least until the woman they’ve drugged wakes up.
Video Note: This clip showcases the hilarious scenes involving Kramer’s resurrection of “The Merv Griffin Show”. If you didn’t know how delusional and insane Kramer was before, you certainly do now.
21.) The English Patient (Season 8)
“The English Patient” became an instant favorite the moment I watched it, featuring one of Elaine’s most memorable storylines.
In this episode, Elaine is forced to watch TheEnglish Patient, after the movie she originally desired to see – Sack Lunch – becomes sold out. Afterwards, Elaine endures the films universal praise from friends and peers alike, consequently creating further friction between her, the movie, and essentially the rest of the Seinfeld universe. The episode culminates with Elaine and her boss, J. Peterman (John O’Hurley), at the movie theater watching, you guessed it, The English Patient. But this final viewing becomes too much for Elaine to handle, as she screams for the movie to end in a psychotic breakdown, causing her boss to fire her after discovering her unbearable hatred for the film.
The first time I watched this episode I was twelve-years-old, and I remember thinking then as I do now: I really want to see Sack Lunch! (were the inhabitants of the sack shrunk down, or are they just inside a giant bag?) Seinfeld is famous for creating a plethora of fictional films that are peppered throughout the entire series, but no “film” in the series piqued my interest as much as Sack Lunch. Maybe it’s because of Elaine’s extreme hatred for The English Patient, or maybe it’s because of her constant plight (i.e. never being able to see the movie), but for whatever reason, Sack Lunch remains one of the greatest films never made.
This episode also provides funny storylines and performances from Seinfeld and George (Seinfeld’s unintentional “battle of the brawn” with three generations of the Mandelbaum family, alongside George’s infatuation with a man who looks similar to him, and who happens to be dating a model), but its Elaine that makes “The English Patient” an instant classic.
Video Note: This video features the pain, agony, and anguish Elaine constantly endures, courtesy of The English Patient and friends. This clip also discusses Sack Lunch, hopefully prompting demands for a full-length feature film in the near future.
20.) The Andrea Doria (Season 8)
The foibles and follies of George Costanza rivals “The Andrea Doria” in this hilarious chapter of the Seinfeld Chronicles.
In this episode, George discovers an apartment he will stop at nothing to receive, even if that means exploring every shameful and notorious act throughout his entire life; which is exactly what he does, after the apartment board awards the residence to an Andrea Doria survivor (i.e. a shipwreck that involved the deaths of a few dozen people).
George scoffs at the boards decision, and demands that the committee hear each parties respective stories. After the Andrea Doria survivor gives his touching testimony, George sits before the board to give his own. In one of my favorite scenes throughout the entire series, George – unabashed – tells the heartbreaking story of Costanza, which includes: The time he was handcuffed to a bed and robbed, the “shrinkage,” and the “marble rye” (all topics we will touch on later). In closing, he tells the board “these stories have not been embellished, because – they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man”. And if that wasn’t enough, just to add a few more sprinkles to the Costanza shit pie, George reminds the board – while they are in complete tears and utterly horrified I might add – that his late wife’s death was attributed to an allergic reaction she had to envelopes he picked out. Of course, Costanza ultimately loses the apartment to a man Elaine stabs with a fork – essentially because he told her she had a big head – which only adds to the continued devastation of Costanza.
This one scene – broadly and briefly – encapsulates the trials and tribulations of George “Biff” Costanza; follies that make the show a timeless classic, and my favorite television series of all-time.
Also in this episode, Seinfeld tries to help Newman with his mail route, in hopes that he will be transferred to Hawaii. Unfortunately, Seinfeld delivers the mail too well, denying Newman the transfer because a record of recipient’s received their mail (close to 80 percent, well above the original record of 50 percent); an indication that Newman wasn’t responsible for his route. Kramer also takes dog medicine and starts acting like a dog, and Elaine experiences troubles with her enormous head, but it’s George that makes this episode top twenty worthy.
Video Note: Couldn’t find a video of George’s epic testimony, so here’s a video of “Biff’s” greatest moments. And they really are great, so watch them all.
19.) The Switch (Season 6)
Do you love heist parodies? Is one of your favorite “moves” the ole “switcheroo”? Well, then do I have the episode for you!
In “The Switch,” Seinfeld faces an uncompromising dilemma: Switching his current girlfriend ( a “non-laugher”), in favor of the infectious laughter of said girlfriend’s roommate. Seinfeld realizes his unfortunate conundrum, confessing his desire to successfully maneuver “the switch” with George, who tells Jerry, “Well, if I hear you correctly–and I think that I do–my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again,” as if Seinfeld suggested the diamond heist of the century.
Seinfeld retorts, “The point is I intend to undertake this. And I’ll do it with or without you. So if you’re scared, if you haven’t got the stomach for this, let’s get it out right now! And I’ll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what’s it going to be?” And after some trepidation, George begrudgingly accepts.
Eventually, after hours of discussing and planning, George proposes the perfect plan: The menage a trois. In essence, by simply suggesting such an act, George believes Seinfeld’s girlfriend will dump him, in effect intriguing the roommate, and therefore successfully executing “the switch”. The plan works, but it works too well, causing both women to accept the request. Seinfeld backs out, deciding he’s not an “orgy guy,” causing George to temporarily go insane from disbelief in regards to Jerry’s reckless decision.
“The Switch” is a classic episode, displaying the chemistry and magic between Seinfeld and George at an all-time high. The banter back-and-forth between the two is an essential cornerstone throughout the series, and this episode demonstrates their genius exceptionally well, while also executing a hilarious heist parody.
This episode also divulges an exceptionally important nugget of information that had previously been hidden from viewers: Kramer’s first name. And unless you have been hiding under a rock your entire life (and if you have, I apologize on behalf of all rock people), or are just a boring white guy, his first name is Cosmo.
Video Note: In this clip, George and Seinfeld discuss “The Switch”. If you wish to watch one of the best scenes in Seinfeld history, here it is.
18.) The Bizarro Jerry (Season 8)
It’s no surprise that Seinfeld is a huge Superman aficionado, and in “The Bizarro Jerry,” he takes his obsession to infinity and beyond, implementing one of the superhero’s storylines into a story of his own.
In this episode, Elaine decides to explore a platonic relationship with her current boyfriend Kevin (Tim DeKay), who turns out to be Seinfeld’s “exact opposite”. For example, whereas Seinfeld is self-centered, crass, simple-minded, and childish; Kevin is (a.k.a Bizarro Jerry) thoughtful, friendly, well-read, and mature.
But it’s not just Seinfeld who is at odds with his bizarro-self, but the entire Seinfeld universe, as George, Kramer, and even Newman receive “opposites” as well. For instance, the Bizarro Kramer constantly articulates conventional ideas and inventions, only to quickly dismiss his thoughts as “impractical”; in contrast, Kramer constantly envisions impractical ideas and inventions that eventually blowup in his face (outside his cologne and coffee table book, which eventually somehow blowup in his face); Bizarro George has an interest in literature and morality; Bizarro Newman is friends with Bizarro Jerry – yada yada.
Eventually, Elaine chooses the “Bizarro world” as her main hangout destination, but after accidentally injuring Kevin with one of her infamous “GET OUT” excitement thrusts, it’s understood that she might be better off with “the originals”.
Also in this episode, Kramer “accidentally” begins working for a firm, causing a rift between Seinfeld and himself – a hilarious side story that ends with his inevitable termination from a position he never had. But it is the alternate universe within a universe – hence the title – that makes this episode memorable.
“The Bizarro Jerry” is one of those hilarious Seinfeld episodes that you can quickly quote from the top of your head, and remember instantly the moment you read the title. This episode also examines Seinfeldin conjunction with that of his preferred alter-ego, causing fanboys of both Seinfeld and Superman to rejoice in uproarious laughter.
One more quick note: I find it interesting that Kevin and his friends are considered the “Bizarro” bunch, even though it is widely inferred and acknowledged that they are the “better,” and dare I say, “more heroic group” (in terms of moral fiber and being genuinely good guys). But, I think that is another element that makes the episode top notch.
Video Note: In this clip, Seinfeld and the gang come face-to-face with their “Bizarro” counterparts.
17.) The Mango (Season 5)
Every man has experienced certain “inadequacies” at least once or twice in his life – whether he knows it or not – and in “The Mango,” those taboo bedroom deficiencies, and lack of understanding, become the hilarious focal point of this classic episode.
A la When Harry Met Sally, Seinfeld discovers a certain something might not be all that it should be when Elaine confesses that she has faked numerous orgasms at various times throughout her life – including ones with him.
Of course, Elaine tries to explain to Seinfeld that when she was younger she wasn’t able to have orgasms, but this information only goes in one ear and out the other, as Jerry’s ego is in a confused and fragile state. George also believes his current girlfriend might be faking orgasms, as he is also unsure what is real and fake.
As the episode continues, a number of references in regards to Meryl Streep are made, prompting Seinfeld to call the actress a “phony bologna,” and even causing him to walk out on one of her films. A rift is caused between Seinfeld and Elaine, ultimately resulting in Elaine’s final decision to give Jerry one last chance to make her climax. And in typical Seinfeld fashion, he fails, only to look at himself with pity as she casually reads a magazine.
In contrast, after George tastes one of Kramer’s delicious mangos, he begins to feel invigorated, saying he “felt it move” (leading me to believe George is probably experiencing erectile dysfunction, and not just ignorance to the female body, only adding to the pathetic traumas of Costanza). Afterwards, he has sex with his girlfriend, who in fact has an orgasm; but George assumes it was all an act, offends her, and is subsequently kicked out of her apartment.
Seinfeld has always been known to push the envelope, especially for a television program, and never shied away from the taboo. What makes the show and the characters so beloved is their humility, self-deprecating humor, and brutal honesty. “The Mango” is a classic because it wasn’t afraid to discuss male ignorance in regards to the female orgasm, Seinfeld wasn’t afraid to poke fun at himself, and it’s just a downright hilarious episode. A lot of episodes are funny, but “The Mango” is funny because it’s true.
Video Note: In this clip, Seinfeld discovers Elaine has faked with him, resulting in multiple hilarious reactions.
16.) The Fusilli Jerry (Season 6)
A season after “The Mango,” Seinfeld’s sexual prowess is restored in this hilarious episode.
“The Fusilli Jerry” focuses primarily on the “move”: A sex maneuver invented and perfected by Seinfeld. When Jerry realizes that Puddy (Patrick Warburton) has been using the “move” on Elaine, he becomes upset, calling him a “hack”.
Afterwards, Puddy refuses to use the “move” ever again, resulting in Elaine’s displeasure and ultimate discomfort, as Puddy’s “new move” is less than “sponge worthy”. Meanwhile, George has “no move,” and desperately seeks Seinfeld’s counsel. In order to help his helpless friend, Jerry agrees to teach George the “move”.
George thenceforth uses the “move” on his girlfriend, but is immediately caught red handed possessing “crib notes”. And another Costanza victim bites the dust (or vice versa).
Also in this episode, Kramer inadvertently touches Estelle Costanza’s breast while transporting her home from surgery. This prompts Frank Costanza to believe that Kramer stole his “move” (i.e. the “stop short”), resulting in an unsavory altercation, ending with Frank accidentally falling ass first atop a Seinfeld sculpture made from fusilli pasta.
The episode concludes with Kramer finally meeting the “ASS MAN”: A proctologist whose license plates get mixed up with his at the DMV.
“The Fusilli Jerry” possesses all of the familiar Seinfeld motifs that make the show great, and includes funny anecdotes from an array of the sitcom’s mainstays (Frank Costanza is always an enjoyable presence).
Video Note: In this clip, Kramer presents Seinfeld with the “fusilli Jerry”. Kramer then explains how every proctologist story ends in the same way, “It was a million to one shot doc; a million to one”. At the end of the episode, after Frank is rushed to the hospital, a voice over of Frank Costanza saying “It was a million to one shot doc; a million to one” is heard during the closing credits. Absolute brilliance!
15.) The Puffy Shirt (Season 5)
Seinfeld has been known to coin a phrase or two (e.g. sponge worthy, shrinkage, anti-dentite, etc.), and in “The Puffy Shirt,” the term “low-talker” is the word of the week. Maybe Seinfeld didn’t coin that phrase, but the sitcom definitely added the moniker to its impressive repertoire of Seinfeld-isms ( a collection of words and phrases forever cemented into pop culture history). And maybe the term doesn’t necessarily sound like much, but I have happen to come across a few “low-talkers” in my life, so the phrase resonates fondly with me.
Anyway, in this episode, Seinfeld is introduced to Kramer’s new girlfriend: A low-talker who speaks so softly her voice is unintelligible. As you might imagine, this becomes a catastrophic dilemma for Jerry, when he unwittingly agrees to wear the low-talker’s recently designed shirt onto the Today show. Unfortunately, the outfit turns out to be a puffy, pirate-like shirt, causing Seinfeld much embarrassment. Even Bryant Gumbel – one of the corniest men on Earth – pokes fun at Seinfeld’s attire, causing him to blurt out on national television that he hates the shirt and thinks it’s “stupid”.
Meanwhile, across town, George has been forced to move back in with his parents, who are driving him crazy, in a hilarious and uproarious manner mind you. While dining with his folks, he inadvertently runs into a modeling agent, who just so happens to focus on hand modeling. In an unusual turn of events – considering how episodes tend to normally go from bad to worse for Biff – George suddenly experiences a chain reaction of good fortune, after the modeling agent signs him to a hand modeling contract. Afterwards, George is paid handsomely for a few photos of his hands, and attractive women even begin flirting with him.
George is on top of the world, that is, until his story collides with Seinfeld’s (who may or may not be more bad than good for poor old George). Costanza eventually meets Jerry in his dressing room after the incident on the Today show. Of course, now the low-talker is suddenly an Estelle Costanza-talker and quite livid with Seinfeld, yelling from the top of her fragile lungs. But George didn’t see the show, nor did he see Seinfeld’s ridiculous outfit, so when he enters the dressing room he immediately begins mocking the puffy shirt.
Can you guess what happens next? If you said, “Out of anger, the low-talker pushes George into a hot iron, burning his hands and scarring them for life, therefore ruining his hand modeling career,” you are correct, and are now as much amused as you are depressed.
“The Puffy Shirt” has always been a fan favorite, topping Seinfeld lists since creating lists became a career. The roller coaster storyline created for George in this episode may also be his most tragic yet, as well as one of his most amusing. “The Puffy Shirt” also added the “low-talker” to our vocabulary, which I just so happened to use at work the other day (Seinfeld-isms! They make talking about annoying people enjoyable!)
Video Note: In this clip, George is told about the infamous “Ray McKidney” during his modeling gig: The tragic story of a man who had it all, but could not overcome the obsession he had with his own hands. This video presents George with a cautionary tale, and a bit of foreshadowing, even though Costanza’s demise comes in a much less dramatic and much more hilarious way.
14.) The Bubble Boy
Easily one of my favorite episodes, “The Bubble Boy” was an instant classic the moment it aired.
In this installment, George and Susan invite Seinfeld and Elaine to spend the weekend at her father’s cabin upstate. Before they depart, Seinfeld and Elaine meet a man at the diner, who politely request Seinfeld pay a visit to his son: A huge fan of the comedian, who happens to live in a plastic bubble. Seinfeld is reluctant at first, but after Elaine agrees on his behalf, they decide to meet the “Bubble Boy” before they reach the cabin.
George spearheads this episode in hilarious fashion, taking it upon himself to lead Seinfeld to the cabin. Of course, George’s erratic driving becomes an issue, and Seinfeld eventually loses sight of Costanza’s car as he drives beyond an imaginary finish line.
Seinfeld and Elaine are now lost, and decide to stop at a local diner until they can decide what to do next. Meanwhile, George and Susan show up at the Bubble Boy’s home in record time. They are then introduced to the child, who sounds more like a man than a boy, with the spiteful attitude of a boy whose grown up to be a man in a plastic bubble. George, of course, takes the most abuse from the Bubble Boy’s verbal lashings, even after he ask Susan to take her top off.
Eventually, George finds himself playing Trivial Pursuit with the Bubble Boy, who happens to have prosthetic hands. At the end of the game, and for the win, George ask the Bubble Boy “Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?” The boy responds with, “The Moors,” but George insists that “BB” got the question wrong because the card says “The Moops” instead. This eventually causes a fight between George and the Bubble Boy, leading “BB” to begin choking George with his prosthetic arms as the two defiantly stick to their beliefs.
After all the dust has settled, and the police as well as half the town comes to the Bubble Boy’s aid – believing George was the attacker – George, Susan, Jerry, and Elaine finally reach the cabin. But when they get there, they find the cottage engulfed in flames. How did such a tragic accident occur? Well, after Kramer decides to give Seinfeld’s current girlfriend a lift to the cabin, they arrive early and decide to take a dip in the lake while they wait for the rest of the group to arrive. Kramer forgets to extinguish one of his lit Cuban cigars, thus turning the cabin into a fiery inferno.
“The Bubble Boy” is a classic example of the misfortune an individual endures when associated with the group (in this case, it’s Susan, who endures many sufferings, even death, at the hands of George and Kramer). This episode also posses all of the other qualities beloved by the superficial viewer, which is hilarious moments courtesy of George and Kramer.
Video Note: This clip displays the hilarious moments between George and the Bubble Boy; the moments that make this episode one of the greatest.
13.) The Marine Biologist (Season 5)
The closest we may ever get to knowing Jerry Seinfeld’s favorite episode, “The Marine Biologist” is a classic, a personal favorite, and one of Seinfeld’s most memorable (which counts for something, if not everything).
In this episode, Seinfeld runs into Diane (Rosalind Allen), an old college friend who asks about George. In an attempt to bolster the legacy of Costanza, he tells her that George is a marine biologist. After meeting up with George at the diner, Seinfeld tells his old pal to expect a call from Diane. At first, George is stunned, and in disbelief that a woman like Diane would have any interest in a short, stocky, bald man like himself. But there’s a catch: George has to pretend to be a Marine Biologist. Of course, he knows nothing about marine biology (among other things), but if there is one thing he does know something about, it’s the art of deception, so he does his usual thing where he lies to everybody.
Meanwhile, Kramer has taken up the hobby of “beach golfing,” but we will come back to that a little later.
George becomes frustrated that Seinfeld didn’t tell Diane he was an architect, because Jerry knows that he “always wanted to pretend to be an architect”. But George works with the hand he was dealt, until fate cripples that hand beyond repair. While walking on the beach, George and Diane come across a whale that had been washed ashore. A crowd forms, and someone yells, “Is anyone a marine biologist?” George is apprehensive at first, but after Diane ask him to “save the whale” for her, he reluctantly accepts – because once George commits to a role, he commits all the way baby!
In what Seinfeld would later admit is his “favorite moment in the show,” the gang gathers at the diner to hear George’s heroic tale. In a nutshell, George mounts the gigantic beast, removing an object obstructing the whale’s blowhole. In dramatic fashion, and with brilliant comedic timing, George removes the obtrusive object from his jacket, which is no other than, a Titleist golf ball; the very golf ball Kramer was using on the beach. Stunned, Kramer asks, “Is that a Tetleist?” George nods his head, and, without missing a beat, Kramer responds, “hole in one”.
One of the rare episodes where George actually comes out on top – figuratively and literally – “The Marine Biologist” is an episode at the peak of the sitcom’s brilliance, displaying a flair for the dramatic as well as a masterstroke of comedic timing.
Also in this episode, Elaine’s electronic organizer hits a woman in the head after it’s thrown from a moving vehicle by the famed Russian author Testikov. And another superhero comparison is woven within the stitching of this episode when Seinfeld tells the epic story of his favorite t-shirt “Golden Boy”.
Video Note: In this clip, George describes the epic heroics he surmounted, the day he became: A marine biologist. If you’re interested in viewing Jerry Seinfeld’s favoriteSeinfeld moment, well, here it is.
12.) The Susie (Season 8)
The dynamic chemistry between Seinfeld and George is normally what great episodes are made of, but in “The Susie,” George and Kramer combine forces to create one of the most beloved episodes in the series. Called “The Susie” because of Elaine’s multiple personas at work, this episode garnered personal favoritism in favor of “The Grand Entrance”.
In this episode, George desperately desires, for once in his life, to make a grandentrance, as opposed to the many grand exits he’s experienced numerous times before. This time he has the chance, when his beautiful girlfriend Allison (Shannon Kenny) agrees to accompany him to a company ball, while also wearing a backless black dress. It has been George’s dream – outside being draped in velvet – to be the center of attention upon arrival; a dream where a beautiful woman will spin into an event, causing excitement and arousal from everyone around, thus making him the envy of all, and therefore completing the “grand entrance”.
But there is just one problem: Allison desperately needs to have a talk with George, causing him to become frantic that she wants to break up with him. George could care less whether their relationship becomes a long lasting and meaningful relationship, but he must, and I mean must, have that grand entrance! George decides that as long as Allison can’t find him, she can’t talk to him, and therefore can’t break up with him. So George avoids her at all cost, only until the ball, and after the grand entrance.
This predicament creates one of the two greatest moments in Seinfeld history: “The voicemail,” and “the Pomodoro break-up”. To successfully avoid Allison, George creates a hilarious voicemail (one that had been my voicemail for many years) on his answering machine. The upbeat, joyous voicemail that played whenever someone called went a little something like this, “Believe it or not, George isn’t at home/Please leave a message at the beep/I’m not at home, or I’d pick up my phone/Where could I be?/Believe it or not I’m not home!” A catchy tune, and a jingle that even Seinfeld himself couldn’t resist, is one of my favorite gems from the episode.
Allison realizes that if she is ever going to end things with George, then she needs to become a little unconventional, and that’s where Kramer comes in. After meeting Allison at her apartment, Kramer invites George to Pomodoro: An Italian restaurant famous for break-ups. In this scene, Kramer plays the part of Allison, explaining to George that he’s “looking for something more than a good time”. After George asks Kramer to reconsider, Cosmo shrieks with despair and quickly leaves the restaurant.
Thisincident causes another hilarious scene moments later, when Kramer and George inadvertently bump into each other at Seinfeld’s apartment, following the “break-up”. Mimicking the cliche cordial remarks you might see in a romantic comedy, or the life of Katherine Heigl, the “ex-lovers” say hello, trade awkward compliments, and say their goodbyes after Kramer officially states “it’s over”. George turns to Seinfeld, asking, “What do you think Jerry?” and right on cue, giving one of my favorite lines throughout the entire series, Seinfeld replies, “I don’t know, I just always saw you two together”.
The episode ends when George rushes to Kramer’s apartment late one night, asking for them to take him back. Kramer accepts, but Allison does not, resulting in the hilarious finale. George shows up to the ball, ready for his “grand entrance,” but to his surprise, Kramer also arrives, replacing Allison. After a short scuffle, Kramer spins into the event with his back exposed, after George accidentally rips the back from his tuxedo, prompting George’s boss to exclaim, “What an entrance!”
An episode about as perfect as Kramer is tall, it could easily be my favorite episode if Seinfeld didn’t have so many other amazing moments.
Video Note: I couldn’t decide on just one video, so I selected two. The first video is a clip of “the voicemail” (warning: song may be stuck in head for days, and possibly even weeks or months). The second clip is of the “break-up” between Kramer and George, at Pomodoro. Enjoy!
11.) The Dealership (Season 9)
Foreight seasons, Seinfeld created television gold with George Louis Costanza as the sitcoms proverbial golden goose. For eight seasons, the sitcom successfully honed the pent-up frustration that boiled within “Biff, developing his angst into a controlled chaos that was nothing short of comedic genius. For eight seasons, I thought I had witnessed a lifetime of misfortune, and the peak of the Costanza saga – that is, until “The Dealership”.
In this episode, Seinfeld believes Puddy is giving him an “insider deal” after he plans to purchase a new car. George believes Seinfeld is naive, and should never trust a salesman. George therefore accompanies Seinfeld to the car dealership, so he can assist him with the purchase and assure Jerry isn’t getting scammed. Whether you’re a Seinfeld fanatic, a casual viewer, or a first time reader of this blog, it’s not hard to predict how this story unfolds.
Moments after arriving at the dealership, George quickly becomes obsessed with a pesky mechanic, one who may or may not have “stolen” his Twix. After his candy bar becomes trapped between the glass of a vending machine, George later blames the aforementioned mechanic for taking his chocolaty treat, succeeding his realization that the treat has gone missing, and witnessing his adversary consuming a similar snack.
George eventually confronts the mechanic about the missing Twix, who naturally and casually denies the abominable act, suggesting he was eating a 5th Avenue bar instead. This, subsequently, lights the fuse to an unknown powder keg that would eventually release an explosion of titanic proportions!
It is imperative to note that George is extremely hungry, and every time he is denied food, he becomes progressively closer to annihilation. This becomes a running joke throughout the duration of this episode, as George is constantly denied the last bite, slice, piece, or crumb left at the dealership.
For example, after George confronts the mechanic about the “stolen” snack, he angrily asks him for a bite of the cookie treat – but there is “none left”. Seinfeld immediately arrives with a box of candy – but quickly eats the “last one”. Even later, a dealership patron exclaims that the dealership put out free doughnuts, and after George gets excited, he explains, “last one”.
George becomes so consumed with exacting his revenge against the mechanic that he forgets why he came to the dealership in the first place, proving ultimately useless for Seinfeld, who is experiencing his own frustrations after Elaine breaks up with the squinty eyed, Arby’s loving gazer; denying Jerry the “insider deal” and essentially putting him through the ringer.
In what culminates into the pinnacle of the Costanza saga, George devises a plan that is bound to reveal the mechanic for the maniacal, sociopath George psychotically thinks he is. After constructing a “candy lineup,” George believes that if the mechanic truly and honestly was eating a 5th Avenue bar, he could easily distinguish it from a line of candy. Of course, all of the candy bars in the “candy lineup” are Twix’s, as George has devised a clever little ruse to set up the man in question.
But when George enters the room where the lineup had been developed, all of the “evidence” is gone, eaten by all of the employees and patrons of the dealership. One saleswoman even exclaims in utter excitement “check it out! Free candy!” as everyone enjoys the chocolate cookie crunch. George – now a boiling pot of fury – asks for a remaining Twix to consume for himself, but the mechanic explains to him that “they’re all gone”. At this point, George looks to the sky with his fist raised to the Heaven’s, screaming “Twix” so loud that Seinfeld believes a mental patient has gone insane at an adjacent hospital.
George has endured several atrocities and misfortunes in the past, abiding constant mistreatments and abuse, and becoming a sucker to his own lies, deceits, and ploys many times before. But in “The Dealership,” all the past misfortunes culminate into one singular, magnificent moment of despair, tremendously antagonizing comedies greatest whipping boy.
Before I forget, the episode also entails an uproarious and adventurous journey involving Kramer and a car salesman, who decide to take one car to its bare limit (i.e. see how far they can travel until a test driven car runs out of gas). Jerry also ends up getting screwed out of the insider deal he so desperately coveted, after he refuses to give Puddy a high-five; which, in his defense, is the lowest form of male ritual bonding.
But it’s George and his continued misfortune, culminating into his most hysterical yet, that makes this episode a pain in the ass for him, but a downright joy for me (and people wonder why others receive so much amusement from their misery).
Video Note: In this clip, George presents “the candy lineup,” and also loses his mind in the greatest Costanza meltdown in Seinfeld history.
10.) The Yada Yada (Season 8)
Seinfeld altered the dialect of hipsters everywhere, spawning a profusion of Seinfeld-isms that continue to resonate with fans 15 years later. The show is responsible for more euphemisms and catch phrases than Seth MacFarlane’s career, and if you brazenly decided to create a list of the top 25 greatest Seinfeld-isms, you might be hard-pressed to compile an agreeable arrangement. But with that said, there is no denying which phrase belongs number one on aforementioned theoretical list, and it begins with “The Yada Yada”.
In this episode, George begins dating a girl who ends every sentence with “yada yada”. Initially, George doesn’t know what to make of this newfound easy, breezy way of telling an anecdote; that is, until he realizes he can use it to his advantage. Quickly recognizing that he can gloss over every bad “incident” in his life – including the story of him inadvertently killing his fiance – George begins to embrace the “yada yada” lifestyle. But, unfortunately, all good things must come to an end (especially if your last name is Costanza), as George reconsiders his stance on the “yada yada” after his lady friend “yada yada’s sex”. George decides to terminate the “yada yada,” explaining to his significant other that he wants her to tell the “whole story”. Of course, this blows up in his face as well, after she admits she shoplifted and “felt such a rush” she stole again.
But, the chronicles of Costanza are not the most significant segments in this chapter, and the “yada yada,” although quite popular, is arguably not even the best Seinfeld-ism spawnedfrom this episode. That distinct honor goes to Jerry and the “anti-dentite”.
Earlier in the episode, Seinfeld runs into none other than Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston), who reveals to him that he recently converted to Judaism. Afterwards, Whatley begins telling “Jewish jokes” (i.e. jokes about the Jewish people and/or their religion), upsetting Seinfeld not as a Jew, but as a comedian. Seinfeld eventually seeks the counsel of a priest, who promises to have a word with Whatley about his inflammatory remarks.
This progression spawns possibly the single greatest phrase from the sitcoms entire catalog (and possibly the greatest use of irony in sitcom history) after Whatley refers to Seinfeld as an “anti-dentite,” accusing Jerry of bigotry towards dentist. Seinfeld faces the wrath of a people who have faced countless atrocities for many a months, after word spreads about his intolerance. Kramer verbally lambaste Seinfeld, and even an old professor of Whatley’s threatens to knock Jerry’s teeth out, describing him as an “anti-dentite bastard”.
Many Seinfeld episodes are hilarious – and because so, have even ranked higher on this list – but only a few brilliant episodes have changed the way people speak. With “The Yada Yada,” Seinfeld presented a game changer, and vowed to remain relevant years after the shows end by altering our vernacular with a grandiose display of humor, wit, and intelligence. It also displays hilarious satire and social commentary in regards to our current era of increased hyper sensitivity.
Video Note: In this video, various “anti-dentite” related clips are aligned together, illustrating Seinfeld’s unfortunate plight, and hilarious condemnation from the D.D.S. community.
9.) The Opposite (Season 5)
George Costanza is a tortured soul, known for making egregious mistakes at an accelerated rate. But if every instinct a clueless moron has is wrong, wouldn’t that make the exact opposite right? In “The Opposite,” that’s the very theory Seinfeld examines, in the most hilarious way possible.
In this episode, poor George is down on his luck once again; with no relationship or career prospects dangling beyond the horizon, George has come to his wit’s end. Seinfeld, in an attempt to galvanize his dear friend – or entertain himself at his expense – suggest that George do the exact opposite, pushing aside every natural impulse he has. This backhanded encouragement seems to work, giving George unabashed confidence, as he approaches a young woman in the diner, spewing the line, “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents”. The young woman responds well to his advances, causing a domino effect that changes his life forever – or at least throughout the duration of the episode.
While taking his new lady friend on a date, George continues to experiment with his new religion, finding himself standing up to obnoxious buffoons at the movie theater, rejecting an after date “night cap,” and essentially becoming the opposite of every man she’s ever met.
In my favorite scene in the episode – and possibly my favorite scene in the series – George gets an interview for a front office position working with the New York Yankees. At his interview, he meets George Steinbrenner – owner of the Yankees, and brilliantly voiced by Larry David – who extends his hand to George. Of course, obeying the “opposite of every instinct he has,” George rejects the handshake, and instead berates Mr. Steinbrenner for the miserable job he’s done with the organization. Immediately afterwards, and to everyone’s surprise, Steinbrenner emphatically exclaims, “Hire this man!” in a scene that has to be watched to fully appreciate.
Coincidentally, Elaine’s life begins crumbling to shambles, as Pendant Publishing goes bankrupt, her boyfriend breaks up with her, and her apartment board evicts her. A la “The Abstinence,” Seinfeld enjoys coinciding the pleasures and fortunes of George, with the pains and misfortunes of Elaine. This, in turn, has no affect on Seinfeld, who always comes out even, and essentially experiences good luck directly following something negative.
Last, but certainly not least, Kramer goes on tour to promote his coffee table book, inciting a hilarious scene on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee (if anyone remembers, that show used to be a thing).
The entire cast has hilarious moments, and the parallels between George and Elaine is always a favorite motif. George doesn’t steal the show, but he certainly anchors it, in one of his best episodes, and one of the best episodes in the series as a whole.
Video Note: This video contains the initial meeting between George and George, and it doesn’t get much better than this folks.
8.) The Chinese Restaurant (Season 2)
In an episode NBC producers just couldn’t wrap their heads around, “The Chinese Restaurant” defied common logic, and epitomized the essence and philosophy of the legendary sitcom.
In an episode so head-scrathingly simple – so much so that NBC producers were certain of its failure, purposely moving it to the end of the season – it was bound to become one of the series most beloved and remembered. In this episode, George, Seinfeld, and Elaine wait patiently to be seated at a Chinese restaurant. A simple premise, and a situation everyone can relate to, the threesome is forced to endure the constant irritation of being told to wait “5-10 minutes,” as they watch random guest seated before them.
The entire episode takes place in one location (i.e. the Chinese restaurant), making the presentation that much more impressive. The program ends when the group finally decides to storm out of the restaurant, enduring far enough, and in a somewhat predictable yet amusing fashion, the restaurant manager announces, “Seinfeld, 4?”
Simplicity at its finest, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld changed comedy forever with one simple idea, a show about nothing, and no episode embodied everything the sitcom stood for better than “The Chinese Restaurant”. Proving that sometimes less is more, and that funny is funny even if nothing ever happens, “The Chinese Restaurant” didn’t make the top five on my list, but it could have been number one, if only for the simple demonstration that nothingcan sometimes become something, even a masterpiece.
Video Note: This video features the final moments in the episode; an ending that helped launch Seinfeld into the stratosphere of pop culture lore.
7.) The Soup Nazi (Season 7)
As you may have noticed, Seinfeld has a tendency to make light of Jewish strife, as well as implementing real life situations and people into their stories. In “The Soup Nazi,” those two cornerstones come together, creating another memorable phrase, another memorable episode, and possibly the sitcoms most notorious character.
In this episode, Seinfeld and the gang decide to tryout a new restaurant, which is known to have the best soup ever sipped. Everything sounds perfect, but there’s just one catch: The restaurant owner is a little eccentric, and is affectionately referred to as “The Soup Nazi”. In other words, to place an order, you must follow very strict procedures, or suffer dire consequences (i.e. no soup for you).
Mimicking a real life situation, Seinfeld cautiously explains the ordering protocol to Elaine and George, causing Elaine to blow off the caution with no reservation. On the way to the restaurant, Elaine comes across an armoire she can’t live without, resulting in her absence from the group.
George and Seinfeld carry on, continuing their quest for lobster bisque. Upon arrival, as you might assume, George is subsequently banished from the restaurant for an entire day, after he sheepishly argues about free bread he never received. Seinfeld and George return to the apartment as Jerry expresses his satisfaction and amazement with every bite, to George’s chagrin.
George returns to the restaurant the very next day, along with Elaine, hoping to obtain the sought after soup. Elaine finds George practicing his mannerisms, scoffing at his serious demeanor. Again, Elaine is warned, but to no avail. George receives the coveted soup, as well as the complimentary bread. Elaine isn’t so fortunate. After comparing the Soup Nazi to Al Pacino, he quickly banishes her for “one whole year,” denying her soup and exhibiting the terrifying wrath that has New York’s Upper West Side in constant fear.
Meanwhile, Kramer allows Elaine’s armoire to become stolen by a couple of “street toughs” (i.e. the Bonnie and Clyde of the gay community), after he is designated to watch it for her.
Kramer eventually makes it up to Elaine, surprising her with an armoire he acquired from none other than the Soup Nazi. Soon thereafter, Elaine stumbles across a liter of recipes hidden inside the armoire, giving her the ability to overthrow the dictator and his Nazi regime. In Elaine’s most gratifying and hilarious scene ever, the episode ends with her confronting the Soup Nazi with all of his instructions, essentially possessing all of his power. While the Soup Nazi stares at Elaine with dumbfounded horror, she befittingly gibes, “You’re through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you,” and to make sure her revenge is served ice cold, she yells, “Next!”
Also in this episode, Jerry begins dating a woman who loves to share her affection in the most adorable and nauseating manner. Seinfeld reciprocates this affection, causing Elaine and George great irritation., and creating a few memorable scenes.
“The Soup Nazi” is a glorified classic from beginning to end. The episode encompasses all of the great concepts that make the show great (e.g. relating the plot to real life people and scenarios; “Jewish jokes” by actual Jewish comedians; continued Costanza misfortune, etc.), and is arguably the most memorable from the entire series. I can say, without a doubt, it’s Elaine’s best episode, and that in-itself instantly places it high atop the mountain.
Video Note: In this clip, Elaine confronts the Soup Nazi, delivering her most memorable line, and essentially defeating the greatest villain in the Seinfeld universe (making her the Wonder Woman to Seinfeld’s Superman). This video also features one of my favorite closing credit sequences, right along with “The Engagement”.
6.) The Hamptons (Season 5)
We’ve discussed George’s greatest meltdown ( “The Dealership”), and we’ve discussed his greatest regret ( “The Engagement”), but we have yet to discuss his greatest humiliation – until now.
During a season when Seinfeld was at its most glorious, “The Hamptons” provided a little something, and then some! In this episode, Seinfeld and the gang agree to complete one of the sitcoms greatest running jokes: Going to finally “see the baby” ( the baby of a mutual friend who is always suggesting that the group come see her hideously grotesque infant). Therefore, they pack their bags and head to the Hamptons for a weekend getaway.
Naturally, George and Seinfeld are accompanied by two soon-to-be-forgotten flings, causing George great excitement, as he believes the weekend will possibly lead to sex, which is a pretty big deal for a man forced into repeated abstinence. Seinfeld, on the other hand, gets laid on the reg., making the weekend just another day in the life, but I digress. Upon arrival, Seinfeld, Elaine, and Kramer decide to bask in the warm summer air while George leaves to purchase Hampton tomatoes. To their surprise, the group receives a sneak peek of Costanza’s date topless, after she exits a swimming pool and asks the gang if they want a beverage – still topless.
George returns, prompting Kramer to casually blurt out that the entire group observed his lady friend naked. George, as you might imagine, becomes hysterical, demanding that Seinfeld present his girlfriend naked, like an adult game of show-and-tell where everyone wins except George.
Hellbent on getting even, George decides to barge-in on Seinfeld’s girlfriend undressing, but in consistent Costanza fashion, he comes too soon. Afterwards, he walks into his own room to undress, whereas the tables quickly turn, as Seinfeld’s girlfriend becomes the one accidentally witnessing him naked. Obviously suffering from the frigid pool temperature, Costanza is not at full capacity, eliciting a humorous and pitiful response from his observer, who urges him that she is really, really sorry.
At this point, George hasn’t been this humiliated since high school gym class, and beings shouting, “I was in the pool! I was in the pool!” This, subsequently, brings us to the term “shrinkage”. Something men have frequently known about but never had a word for, “shrinkage” is the Seinfeld-ism used to describe a man’s penis becoming smaller due to cold water, or just coldness in general.
The “shrinkage” incident causes George to panic, fearing that when his lady friend finds out about his “situation,” she will ultimately reconsider sleeping with him. Seinfeld explains to George that he’s overreacting; moments later Costanza’s girlfriend heads home in the middle of the night.
Ordinarily, George would suffer severe humiliation and misfortune without any retribution, but in “The Hamptons,” the showrunners conclude the episode with a little redemption for poor ole’ Biff.
Earlier in the episode, it is made aware that Seinfeld’s lady friend doesn’t eat shellfish; in fact, she’s never even tasted lobster. At one point she even tries to sneak a bite, but is stopped by Kramer. The morning after, she thanks Kramer for preventing her from making a huge mistake as they prepare for breakfast.
George, uncharacteristically chipper, takes it upon himself to cook breakfast for the entire household. After serving the group scrambled eggs, the table rants and raves over Costanza’s cooking prowess. Seinfeld’s girlfriend becomes especially enamored with the breakfast, gobbling down every bite. A mischievous grin appears across George’s face, as he suggest she might be better suited eating his eggs with a lobster bib. This, in turn, causes her to frantically run from the table in disgust. George runs after her to apologize, only making matters worse, as he inadvertently finds her naked.
Also in this episode, Kramer serves probation time after stealing lobster from a local fisherman trap, Elaine becomes smitten with a doctor who calls her breathtaking “just to be nice,” and the gang finally witnesses the heinous abomination that is “the baby”.
“The Hamptons” was written during the sitcom’s heyday, exhibiting the showrunners’ brilliance at an optimum level. In this episode, we witness George at his most vulnerable (which is saying a lot), his most conniving, and possibly his most neurotic, creating a cosmic blend of hilarious that beckons to be adored.
Video Note: This clip possesses the infamous “shrinkage” incident, and George’s reaction is nothing short of priceless.
Seinfeld has never been shy about humiliating himself, and in “The Outing,” his embarrassment becomes a part of the public domain, in a hilarious episode of mistaken identity (not that there’s anything wrong with that?).
In this episode, Elaine discovers an eavesdropper listening in on her conversation with George and Seinfeld. Using her spontaneous wit, Elaine decides to elaborate a fabricated story about Jerry and George being two homosexual lovers, purely for the pleasure of toying with her newfound audience. George plays along, but Seinfeld is not amused in the slightest.
Per the Seinfeld standard, the innocent prank becomes a colossal mistake, as the eavesdropper turns out to be a reporter for NYU, a journalist sent to conduct an interview with Seinfeld. The two cross paths at the diner, expecting one another but not recognizing each other. Jerry continues about his business and the reporter decides to conduct her interview at a later date.
Seinfeld eventually is contacted by the reporter, and the two decide to proceed with the interview at his apartment. Upon her arrival, she realizes that Jerry is the man at the diner (i.e. the gay man), and that the man in the kitchen (i.e. George) is his “companion”. Seinfeld vaguely remembers her, and quickly dismisses ever meeting. This scenario begins a hilarious chain of events that is nothing short of brilliant.
The reporter instantly begins asking questions in regards to Seinfeld and George’s “relationship,” without their complete comprehension of the underlying connotation. Confusion continues to persist for both parties, as the two companions bicker back-and-forth about washed fruit and ugly sweaters. Seinfeld eventually realizes where he remembers the reporter from, quickly comprehending the nature of her story. Jerry adamantly denies being gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that – but the reporter refuses to believe him, even as George frantically insist on having sex with her to prove his heterosexuality.
Paralleling a scene from “The Contest,” George begins to believe he might be gay, after viewing a man being bathed by a male nurse from behind a white curtain. Seinfeld is also given gifts for his birthday, which just so happen to be a Bette Midler album and tickets to go see Guys and Dolls.
The episode concludes with George admitting he’s gay; hoping that he might finally convince his suicidal girlfriend to break up with him. This, of course, is revealed at an inopportune time, as Seinfeld currently entertains the reporter at his apartment, finally convincing her that he is not gay. The reporter leaves the apartment in confusion, leaving George unable to persuade either woman of his sexual orientation, and ultimately outing both men when they were never in to begin with.
“The Outing” is a true Seinfeld classic; an uproarious episode from beginning to end. The showrunners utilize Seinfeld and George’s grief to their utmost potential, forcing the poor souls into the unfortunate position of adamant denial without sounding too ashamed. As stated before, Seinfeld has never been afraid to embark on taboo territory for the sake of comedy, and “The Outing” is no exception. George is often humiliated, but in this episode, Seinfeld is forced to share the brunt of unfortunate circumstances, adding a sensational chapter to the Seinfeld cannon.
Video Note: This clip showcases the scene involving the reporter at Seinfeld’s apartment, and the hilarious misunderstandings that persist.
Similar to “The Chinese Restaurant,” this episode helped launch Seinfeld into a new stratosphere, cementing the sitcom as a television juggernaut.
“The Boyfriend” is a two-part episode, exhibiting the rare occurrence when the latter is on par with the former. In this series, Seinfeld exchanges pleasantries with New York Met’s first baseman Keith Hernandez at a local gym. After a brief conversation, Hernandez and Seinfeld become friends, and even agree to hangout.
Hence the title, this episode portrays the friendship as a pseudo-relationship, depicting Seinfeld similar to that of a starstruck teenage girl. For example, Seinfeld complains when Hernandez doesn’t call him in a timely fashion, and becomes jealous when Elaine begins dating his pseudo-boyfriend.
This premise alone makes it easy for hilarity to ensue, and although Seinfeld and Hernandez’s relationship is what makes this episode particularly humorous, “The Boyfriend” succeeds as a classic, top-notch installment because the entire cast is exceptionally hilarious.
For instance, in arguably one of the best scenes throughout the entire series – and arguably one of the best displays of parody ever written – Newman and Kramer divulge their disdain for Hernandez after alleging the ballplayer spit on them. Seinfeld immediately directs a demonstration, using their story as a reference, in an attempt to dismiss their egregious claim. A la JFK, Seinfeld proves that the “magic loogie” allegedly striking both Newman and Kramer – hitting Kramer’s right temple, then ricocheting and hitting Newman – defies the laws of physics. Seinfeld ends his demonstration with a theory, believing the “true spitter” was someone along the “grassy knoll”.
George is again in financial trouble, and is on the verge of losing his unemployment benefits. He asks Seinfeld to answer his phone under the pseudonym Art Vandelay – the fictitious president of the latex company Vandelay Industries – in order to fool his unemployment officer. In my favorite Seinfeld ending ever, Kramer answers Seinfeld’s phone while George is in the restroom. In a confused state, Kramer tells the caller that they have the wrong number, and that nobody by the name Vandelay is associated with the residence. George screams from the restroom, exclaiming, “Vandelay! Say Vandelay,” running from the bathroom with his pants around his ankles. Kramer hangs up the phone as George buries his face into the ground – pants still around his ankles. Seinfeld enters the apartment, finding George pant-less, delivering one of my all-time favorite lines: “And you want to be my latex salesman?”
The entire two-part episode ends with Seinfeld terminating his relationship with Hernandez, becoming overwhelmed with the progression of their relationship after Keith ask Jerry to help him move. Kramer and Newman discover the true perpetrator of the “magic loogie,” and George loses his unemployment benefits.
The first hour-long episode of the series, “The Boyfriend” mastered the art of parody, and further established the sitcom’s genius. Developing an episode that successfully utilized the essence of every character, “The Boyfriend” is a grand display of irony, satire, and wit, cultivated by two of the greatest comedic geniuses of a generation.
Video Note: This is a clip of the famous “magic loogie” reconstructed. If this doesn’t make you a Seinfeld fan, I don’t know what will.
Seinfeld is normally predicated on the amusing dialogue and banter between the four main characters, but in “The Subway,” the ingenious powers that be decided to defy that logic, constructing four individual storylines of equal merit.
In this episode, the gang depart on separate journeys after boarding a subway together. George is headed to a job interview; Elaine is on her way to a lesbian wedding, where she is the best man; Kramer is headed to court so that he can dispute various traffic violations; and Seinfeld is on his way to pick up his car from an impound lot in Coney Island.
George attracts the eye of a lovely lady sitting beside him. Being the master of disguise that he is, George tells the woman he is an important business man, embellishing extensively about himself. When the woman begins to depart, she ask George to join her, putting him in the tough position of choosing sex or employment. Naturally, George chooses sex and follows the woman off the train. Things quickly take a turn for the worse when George finds himself handcuffed to the bed of a hotel room, robbed for everything he has – which isn’t much – including the only expensive suit he owns.
Kramer hears two men talking about horse racing – his favorite vice – and learns of a horse that is a guaranteed winner. He stops at a betting office, subsequently winning a substantial amount of money. A man witnesses Kramer’s winnings and follows him back onto the subway. A chase ensues, ending with the thief being arrested by an undercover officer.
Elaine is forced to cram between an enormous amount of passengers, and repeatedly suffers the anxiety of being trapped on a stopped train. A voice-over of her inner thoughts is spoken aloud, verbalizing her annoyance and mounting angst. She screams and curses inside her head, exhibiting relatable emotions of anyone who has ever been stuck in traffic, on a train, or just around people in general.
Seinfeld suffers the least, finding himself across from a naked man on the subway after he awakes from short nap. He eventually befriends the man, and even invites him to join along on his trip to Coney Island.
While most sitcoms lose a little magic and charm when their main characters aren’t intact, Seinfeld capitalizes on the separation, showcasing the showrunners’ limitless potential. Of course, most episodes operate better when the foursome is together, but “The Subway” demonstrates Seinfeld’s incredible ability to be funny in an abundant array of ways, making something deceivingly hard look oh so easy.
Video Note: This video is simply a collection of funny clips from the episode.
In “The Bizarro Jerry,” Seinfeld implemented a Superman storyline into a story of his own; but in “The Race,” Seinfeld becomes Superman, in an episode as heroically humorous as it sounds.
In this chapter, Seinfeld begins dating a woman named Lois (Renee Props), prompting fanboy elation, and the occasional Superman related joke. But with great name, comes great responsibility, a creed Seinfeld is forced to honor, after becoming reacquainted with his childhood archrival: Duncan Meyer.
Seinfeld discovers, to his surprise, that Duncan just so happens to be Lois’ boss. This discovery elicits an impromptu trip down memory lane, as Seinfeld recalls the epic “race” between him and his oldest nemesis. Retold with vivid and melodramatic description, Seinfeld remembers a high school gym class race where he jumped the gun – figuratively and literally – quickly giving him credence to the claim “fastest kid in school”.
Afterwards, a legend is born, and although a vehement clamor from peers and faculty alike request him to race again, he denies, repeatedly saying, “I chose not to race!”
But after all these years, Duncan is still vengeful, threatening to fire Lois if Seinfeld denies him a rematch. With his hands tied, Seinfeld begrudgingly accepts his request, even though he knows his participation will ultimately result in the demise of his legacy.
A street is blocked off as friends, peers, and cabbies from all around come to witness the titanic showdown. Duncan even request the service of their old gym teacher, Mr. Bevilaqua (Claude Jones), to referee the race, adamantly trying to resemble the first competition. But to Duncan’s chagrin, the sequel not only resembles the first race, it duplicates it.
When Kramer’s car makes a faulty noise, resembling that of a gun shot, Seinfeld rushes to a head start, leaving Duncan a step behind. In a slow-motion sequence of epic proportions, Seinfeld runs to the finish line as Duncan lunges behind him, in utter horror. As the Superman theme song trumpets from the heavens above, the crowd surrounds the man faster than a speeding bullet, as he twirls Lois around in celebration, becoming the hero of his own universe.
“The Race” is more than an episode, but a homage to an influential figure in Seinfeld’s life. Any true Seinfeld fan holds this episode in high regard, if only for the fact that fanboys of the sitcom can’t help but smile while watching Seinfeld embody the iconic figure he adores so much – almost as much as we adore him. It’s also just a downright hilarious episode, so there’s that, too.
Video Note: This clip contains the epic race. Nothing in the history of television has ever been better than this.
Creating this list presented many difficulties, but deciding the greatest Seinfeld episode ever certainly wasn’t one of them. That undisputed honor I bestow upon “The Contest”.
In the sitcom’s most provocative and entertaining episode, George admits to the group that his mother had to be hospitalized after witnessing him pleasure himself. This prompts the group to participate in a friendly wager, betting to see who can hold off the longest without masturbating.
Elaine, of course, chips in a little more dough, being that she is a female, and according to Seinfeld, doesn’t have the same primal need to participate as frequently.
As the episode proceeds, each character is presented with various enticements they must overcome to sustain purity; temptations that affect each character more so than others.
For instance, Seinfeld discovers a woman from across the street who enjoys relaxing in the nude. Seinfeld and company notice the woman from his apartment window, forcing Kramer to momentarily leave the premises. A minute or two later, Kramer returns, slapping money onto Seinfeld’s kitchen counter and emphatically exclaiming, “I’m out!” The group instantaneously turns around, stunned at the sudden change of events. The group is later shown restless and irritable while trying to sleep – except Kramer, who sleeps like a man completely placid.
Then there were three. But as irritations and pressures mount, Elaine succumbs next, giving into temptation after discovering that John F. Kennedy Jr. – who, for whatever reason, attends her gym – is interested in her. Swooning at the idea of him picking her up for a date, she gives in to pure fantasy ecstasy.
Then there were two, with Seinfeld and George remaining as the last two men standing. George’s greatest battle with temptation comes during his visit with his mother, a hilarious irony considering his earthly desires are what put her in the hospital in the first place. While visiting Estelle, George notices a nurse enter the room and begin giving the woman beside him a sponge bath. The only thing separating him from the two women is a thin white sheet, making him incredibly aroused. But George overcomes his vulnerability, remaining master of his domain.
Across town, Seinfeld is dating a virgin as Kramer obsessively views the woman from across the street, living his boyhood dream of watching a naked girl through a window. Seinfeld and George begin lashing out at one another, but immediately apologize acknowledging stress is the true culprit.
During the climax of the episode, Seinfeld’s girlfriend confesses that she wants to lose her virginity, and Jerry enthusiastically accepts. But for whatever reason, Seinfeld confides to her about the contest, causing her to leave the apartment in disgust. This ultimately affects Elaine as well, after John F. Kennedy Jr. witnesses Seinfeld’s girlfriend crying on the street and picks her up instead of Elaine.
That night, everyone sleeps exceptionally well, especially Kramer, who is found sleeping in bed with the naked woman from across the street. Seinfeld’s (ex) girlfriend also loses her virginity – to John F. Kennedy Jr.
“The Contest” is a brilliant masterstroke of genius, and easily my favorite episode from the entire series. The foursome has never been funnier together, and their separate stories of temptation are flat out, laugh out loud hilarious. Seinfeld is famous for the nuanced humor peppered throughout each episode, and in “The Contest,” the showrunners have never been better.
Video Note: In this final clip, I present to you “The Contest”.
And If that’s not enough, which it shouldn’t be, here’s 25 honorable mentions:The Jacket (season 2); The Revenge (season 2); The Baby Shower (season 2); The Library (season 3); The Parking Garage (season 3); The Tape (season 3); The Red Dot (season 3); The Pick (season 4); The Junior Mint (season 4); The Cigar Store Indian (season 5); The Non-Fat Yogurt (season5); The Pledge Drive (season 6); The Switch (season 6); The Scofflaw (season 6); The Secret Code (season 7); The Sponge (season 7); The Rye (season 7); The Cadillac (season 7); The Calzone (season 7); The Bottle Deposit (season 7); The Little Kicks (season 8); The Van Buren Boys (season 8); The Serenity Now (season 9); The Betrayal (season 9); The Frogger (season 9).
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